Be It Resolved
And, as I'm Canadian and thus not actually able to make money doing that sort of thing, I'd better get my locksmithing course done sometime in there, too.
Religion. Politics. Sex. A bit of science. Motorcycles. Hockey. Some other stuff you shouldn't talk about in polite company.
...it's another. A couple years back, I had a silly bit of spam forwarded to me about immigration from one parent, and now I get another. Here's my reply:
Oh, dear. You really do have to be careful who you send this stuff to, you know. Says your son, who's been on welfare. Or did you forget that?
(Heh - you should see the one [XXX] forwarded to me about immigration.)
Well, on to the story (with a teeny bit of commentary):
----- Original Message -----
Subject: Fw: This guy makes a good point!
Not very, no.This was written by a construction worker in
Bullshit. This is a form letter I've seen a half dozen times in a half dozen years. Any guesses why the font suddenly changes when it comes to the town name?
I work, they pay me. I pay my taxes and the government distributes my taxes as it sees fit. In order to earn that pay cheque, I work on a rig site for a
Really? Which site? Because that's not legal in Canada (though this is "under review" by the current administration). You wouldn't happen to be lying now, would you? Because even in the U.S. welfare isn't exactly the easy way to go.
What I do have a problem with is the distribution of my taxes to people who don't have to pass a urine test.
Like, say, farming subsidies? Highways crews? Canada Council Arts grants? Help me out, here!
Shouldn't one have to pass a urine test to get a welfare cheque[...]
Ah... THEM! The great unwashed masses.
[...]because I have to pass one to earn it for them...?
Actually, you don't.
Please understand - I have no problem with helping people get back on their feet. I do, on the other hand, have a problem with helping someone sit on their arse drinking beer and smoking dope.
And the difference is...?
Tell me, precicely please, how drug testing is going to stop people from collecting a welfare cheque.
In fact, do you know any damn thing about what someone on welfare has to do to qualify? Any idea how humiliating most of us find it? Do you know that the average person who does go onto welfare stays on for SIX MONTHS? Do you know that most welfare payments are to single mothers? Can you suggest a way for them to look for work and raise her children at the same time? Is that what you had in mind when you went on this idiotic screed, or are you still stupid enough to buy in to the ancient Ronnie Reagan lie of the welfare queen picking up her cheque in a limo?
Could you imagine how much money the provinces would save if people had to pass a urine test to get a public assistance cheque?
And one more clue that this was probably copied from the
Please pass this along if you agree or simply delete if you don't.
Hell with that noise! If I read something stupid, I react to it. Terribly sorry about that.
Hope you will pass it along though, because something has to change in this country, and soon!
Really. And why is that, exactly? Because we're suddenly going broke? We're being overwhelmed by Them Dirty Hippies Corrupting Our Youth? Because lawlessness and anarchy rule the streets?
Tell me, oh please do!
Eagerly awaiting a reply,
***As a side note, let me just say that I hate hate HATE transferring forwarded spammail into Blogger!***
So my parents recently came by for a lovely Christmas dinner: the bad news is that they brought a bottle of wine with them.
Now, I do love my parents, but my word they make some horrible wine. Like many on a farm, they made wine out of pretty much anything that came from the outdoors: grapes, plums, cantaloupe, carrots… It’s what happened next that was the nightmare. One memory of my old home is the parents siphoning wine out of the carboy while it was still fermenting so they could have a bottle handy for dinner.
So the bottle they brought was all set to go: Sure, it was only a week old, but it had been aged by the “Amazing Wine Perfector” made (or possibly just imported by) by Danmar Beer and Wine Supplies. We thanked them, and immediately put the bottle in the wine cellar (okay, it’s just a crawlspace) to actually age, despite their protests.
Here’s the claim:
Test for yourself this truly unique product. Simply pour off a glass, place your bottle of red wine on the the Wine Perfector coaster for 30 minutes and compare. (taste the 'treated' wine first before before your palate is covered with tannin)! The treated wine from the bottle will have a better nose, with a richer, smoother taste, revealing luscious layers of fruit flavour.
Wines, due to their varied characteristics, will show subtle to quite remarkable difference when treated with the Wine Perfector. The more tannin the more dramatic the difference.
The same results as if you had aged the wine in your climate controlled cellar for years.
Now that you know what to expect, simply place your opened bottle of wine on the Wine Perfector before serving and voilà. Your wine is ready to pour and enjoy. You will also improve the flavour of port, sherry, brandy, cognac and other barrel aged spirits.
There are several things wrong with testing a claim this way, of course; not the least of which is that it’s not a blinded test, in any way, shape or form. The second flaw is the tasting method: you MUST cleanse your palate between tasting samples! This is why water and neutrally flavoured crackers or bread is available at real tastings.
The best method for a taste-test between liquids is with three glasses, two of which have one product and one glass holding the other. The tester must not know which is which; but if there is a difference, then they should easily be able to discern that one of the glasses is either much better or much worse than the other two.
Here’s what I’d propose: we bring down two new bottles of our own wine, and the Significant Other would take them and an Amazing Wine Perfector into a separate room out of everyone’s sight. There, she would use the device on one bottle only. As it aged, however many glasses as needed would be marked A, B, or C (three glasses per tester). Half an hour later, she would pour the Perfected wine into either one or two of each A, B, or C glass, so that each set of three are identical.
Then the testers get to see if they can tell which glasses were “aged”, and which weren’t. Judging by the claim, it should be quite easy for all concerned.
So I think I’ll be making a phone call to the store itself to see just what information they have on how this odd device supposedly works. They are, after all, selling the item to their customers, so I’m sure they wouldn’t mind performing a double-blind test…? We’ll be heading down there in a couple of weeks, so we’ll drop by then and see what they have to say for themselves and their magical device.
As one shop proprietor said when hearing of the Amazing Wine Perfector: “Wine is a natural substance, and must be aged naturally.” We buy our kits from this gentleman’s shop, and there is nary a wine making woo-device in sight.
Scene: Mud brick house. Two women, obviously friends, are talking. One [MARY] is dressed fairly conservatively, the other [BETHSHEBA] less so.
MARY: I mean, Joseph is a really nice guy…
BETHSHEBA: I agree!
MARY: He really cares about me, you know?
BETH: Total sweetie.
MARY: It’s just…
BETH: That you’re thirty and still a virgin.
MARY: I know, I know!
BETH: No, honey, you don’t; and that’s the point.
MARY: I do to!
BETH: Taking matters “into you own hands” isn’t the same thing, darlin’!
MARY: Well, I did find a piece of doweling that Joseph had lying around the shop…
BETH: Better, but still not the real thing.
MARY: There’s no way Joey can know about this, right?
BETH: You tell me: how often has he com home from work early?
MARY: He‘s a good worker; he wants to make sure we have enough money for when we have kids…
BETH: Yeah, well there’s something else he has to do if you guys want kids!
BETH: Looked after is one thing, taken care of is another.
MARY: Maybe he’s gay?
BETH: Then the house would look nicer. Well the problem isn’t with you anyways, honey. You’re gorgeous!
MARY: But I’m so old!
BETH: If a guy’s smart, that just means you know what you’re doing.
MARY: That would be a lie.
BETH: I can change all that for you.
MARY: … What’s he like?
BETH: He’s a little older, but he’s done this sort of thing a lot.
BETH: Oh, yeah. He’s been around. I’d take him myself, but he’s got a real thing for virgins, apparently. He’s really excited to met you!
MARY: I don’t know…
BETH: The guy is powerful, too; really important. Like, REALLY important. Bit of a temper some times, but some old guys are like that. Grumpy teddy bears, really.
BETH: All you have to do is meet him. See what he’s like, and let it go from there. Look, even if he only wants one thing, that just means he won’t be hanging around later, right? Trust me, it’s a lot less complicated that way.
MARY: Okay. I’m just going to meet him though, all right?
BETH: Good for you! I’ll just go get him… Have fun! [leaves]
MARY paces back and forth, waiting. Soon we hear angelic voices in a heavenly choir, and a radiant light appears under the door. She opens it, and there is YAHWEH.
YAHWEH: Uh, hi. Mary, is it? [MARY nods] I’m Yahweh. [awkward pause] I brought flowers. [He gives her flowers]
MARY: Please, come in. [MARY waves him to the couch, where he sits]
[She take the flowers and puts them in a vase. YAHWEH watches her, and likes what he sees, especially when she ends over to put the vase on the table in front of the couch]
MARY: This was very sweet of you.
YAHWEH: No problem.
[She joins him on the couch]
MARY: So… Bethsheba has told me a lot about you.
MARY: She tells me you’re a very powerful man.
YAHWEH: Well, I try not to brag too much, but yeah, you could say I’m a pretty important guy. [MARY moves closer as he talks] I’ve got the ear of the most important people in this town. When you’ve been around as long as I have, power’s just something you get used to wielding. I admit I was a bit reckless with it in my youth, destroying cities and all that; but you grow, you mature with time and realize your responsibilities, and -
MARY: Is it true you’ve got a… “thing” for virgins?
YAHWEH: Er… That’s a bit more direct than I’m -
[MARY jumps him, thrusting him back on the couch and hopping on with an eye-widening, satisfied yell]
MARY: OH! Oh, yeah… Oh, yeah… That’s it… Oh, God…
YAHWEH: Er, yes?
MARY: Mmmm.. Oh, God!
YAHWEH: Yes? What?
MARY: Oh, GOD!
YAHWEH: What? What?!
MARY: Rub my clit!
YAHWEH: Your what?
MARY: My clit!
MARY: My clit! My clitoris!
YAHWEH: … I can’t seem to find it…
MARY: [grabs his hand] Right here! Oh, YES!
YAHWEH: [to himself] I didn’t put that there…
[They finally finish. YAHWEH, somewhat embarrassed, straightens up from a happily sighing MARY and places his robes back in order]
YAHEWH: [assuming an authoritarian tone] *ahem* In nine months, you shall give birth to the Savior of Man -
YAHWEH: Hey, could you listen here?
MARY: Mmm.. Yeah, sure…
YAHWEH: Right then. In nine months time, you shall give birth to the Savior of Man -
MARY: Say what?
YAHWEH: You are pregnant with the Christ-Child.
MARY: WHAT? Fuck!
YAHWEH: It is the greatest blessing -
MARY: Maybe for you! You’re not married! Damn it! Beth said I couldn’t get pregnant the first time!
YAHWEH: Er… I’ll send Gabe along later with the details.
MARY: Who’s that, your lawyer? ‘Cause you’d better have a good one, bub!
YAHWEH: Now, if you’re going to get all irrational about things, perhaps I should just go.
MARY: Yeah, I guess you should!
[YAHWEH leaves in a flash of blinding light, and voices are heard through the angelic choir: “So, did you get some?” “Shoots and scores, bro!” “Dude!”]
MARY: Oh, man… What am I going to tell Joe?
Merry Christmas, one and all!
Recognizing the importance of Christmas and the Christian faith.
Off to a roaring start, there. I notice Christmas comes first for ya, though! Can't say I blame you.
Whereas Christmas, a holiday of great significance to Americans and many other cultures and nationalities, is celebrated annually by Christians throughout the United States and the world;
Yeah - there's waaaay too much pagan symbolism in Easter, anyways. Rabbits and eggs? Sheesh! Hellooo, fertility rituals! Now help me put Santa on top of the tree, here.
Whereas there are approximately 225,000,000 Christians in the United States, making Christianity the religion of over three-fourths of the American population;
But would you let your daughter marry a Rosicrucian? Catholics, of course, are right out.
Whereas there are approximately 2,000,000,000 Christians throughout the world, making Christianity the largest religion in the world and the religion of about one-third of the world population;
Er... I suppose we have to include Catholics, then, don't we? Well, okay... but no fucking Amish!
Whereas Christians identify themselves as those who believe in the salvation from sin offered to them through the sacrifice of their savior, Jesus Christ, the Son of God, and who, out of gratitude for the gift of salvation, commit themselves to living their lives in accordance with the teachings of the Holy Bible;
Very, very specific teachings of the Holy Bible. In fact, the fewer bits we have to actually read and act upon, the better; cause trying to obey the whole thing is actually a bit of a pain.
Whereas Christians and Christianity have contributed greatly to the development of western civilization;
Better thank the Irish, then. Gah! More Catholics!
Whereas the United States, being founded as a constitutional republic in the traditions of western civilization, finds much in its history that points observers back to its roots in Christianity;
Okay, now it's getting interesting! Bet you this is actually what the whole spiel is about, right here: the declaration that the United States was founded "as a Christian nation" because most of the folks who were there at the time were Christians. One poison pill, sugared up and ready to swallow.
Whereas on December 25 of each calendar year, American Christians observe Christmas, the holiday celebrating the birth of their savior, Jesus Christ;
And Thank God no one else does!
Whereas for Christians, Christmas is celebrated as a recognition of God's redemption, mercy, and Grace; and
Whereas many Christians and non-Christians throughout the United States and the rest of the world, celebrate Christmas as a time to serve others: Now, therefore be it
Oh, you noticed? Now, have you noticed that these same people, Christian and non-Christian alike, try carrying that feeling throughout the year? No? Well, you're right - who would bother, really...
Resolved, That the House of Representatives--
(1) recognizes the Christian faith as one of the great religions of the world;
File under "no shit";
(2) expresses continued support for Christians in the United States and worldwide;
As you should all your citizens, douchebag;
(3) acknowledges the international religious and historical importance of Christmas and the Christian faith;
(4) acknowledges and supports the role played by Christians and Christianity in the founding of the United States and in the formation of the western civilization;
(5) rejects bigotry and persecution directed against Christians, both in the United States and worldwide; and
And no one else? Um, hello? Bigotry and persecution are bad things, genius; but they get directed at a hell of a lot more than just "Christians, both in the United States and wherever the hell else exists"! Better make damn sure there are no gay Christians, or female ones, or any darker than, say, the frighteningly cubical John Tesh.
(6) expresses its deepest respect to American Christians and Christians throughout the world.