May 08, 2006

Sex: Sexes, Battle of The

I’m going to try to solve, or at least explain, a mystery that has had many women, especially single ones visiting so-called “bachelor pads”, alternately curious and furious for hundreds of years.

Why do men piss on the seat?

First though, I’m going to explain my qualifications:

I come from a house which had three males and mom, so you know what the bathroom was like: cleaned every time any guy used it. So I do know that there tends to be a bit of spray sometimes. It happens, I’m not debating it and that’s not the issue here. The issue should be why guys don’t clean up after themselves, but that’s more a matter of social engineering, so it’s your problem, not mine.

What I’m going to explain is more the physical reasons, the facts behind the act, so to speak. To do that, I’m going to get a bit graphic, but I’ll try to keep it as metaphorical as possible so your kids can read this too, and perhaps understand a little more of what’s behind the mystery. Of course, some of you are probably going to try this experiment, so you people following along at home, here’s a list of equipment you will need:

1 skewer
1 sausage (any type) Some people will need two or more to be satisfied. Who am I to argue?
1 drinking straw
1 balloon
Container for the water, wide mouthed

Imagine, if you will, a sausage. Pick whatever size and style you like, as according to my wife that makes no difference at all. I don’t know why she keeps mentioning that… Anyways, take a flat (NOT round) skewer and run it lengthwise through the middle of the sausage so it is punctured at both ends. Now, at one end insert a straw, and at the other end of the straw place a bladder of… water… that is under pressure. I suggest a balloon or bit of surgical tubing, and you’ll want to have it pinched shut while you attach all these bits together.

Now, try aiming that somewhere, anywhere, and see just how accurate you can be.

“But Thursday,” you cry, “that isn’t really how the inside of a penis works! There’s like, a urethra and stuff!” This is so, but I was trying not to say the word “penis” because of all the impressionable youngsters who read this, and now you’ve screwed that effort. Thanks a lot, asshole.

Okay, so let’s put the straw all the way through the sausage (DON’T do this to your penis! Air bubbles very, very are bad for you and your urethra is very, very sensitive!) and see how well it works.

Not great, but much better than it was, right? Except that this version of a penis isn’t very accurate, either. The urethra does not, in fact, extend past the end of the penis, but rather becomes the skin on its surface. How to simulate this effect?

This next bit is a little challenging, but if you’re up to it the reward of knowledge is manifest! With a sigh of relief, remove the straw and fold the opening of one end back with a rolling motion, so it now has a “lip” all around that opening. Reinsert the catheter – sorry, reinsert the straw so that edge is just under the outside edge of the sausage. (You may need another sausage, here.) Now hook up the bladder again and fire away!

Less accurate this time, wasn’t it? Well, it gets worse. Since the opening is not a nice, even hole but rather a slit (some of you may have already noticed this feature), now you need to gently take the tip of the sausage in hand (I said GENTLY! Okay, get another sausage.) and squish the straw until is becomes a vertical slit. Now, try aiming into your container and taking a shot. See? Not very easy, is it?

For added difficulty, bear in mind that the woman’s urethra has but a single use, whereas a man’s has two. Just ask any man who’s been aroused, then has to go pee. It can be frustrating, or even painful! If the guy in question had been recently stimulated enough to ejaculate (no matter if it was with a person, a sock or a sheep), then there will be some remnants of this sticky stuff left behind. Heck, it’s there even if he was simply erect.

So, if you really want the full effect, before you try a third sausage (you slut), run some thick liquid honey through the straw the day before, letting some dry along the straw, then repeat the final stage of the experiment. Really, it’s only a wonder that any urine actually gets into the toilet!

Now, I did hear one suggestion that men sit down to pee, and to that I say: you fold your genitals in half before using them first, and then I’ll think about it. Deal?

I hope this has helped clear up some small part of the confusion, anger, or resentment that can tear the relationships of men and women apart. A little bit of understanding can go a long ways, eh?

If you thought this was going to be about guys leaving the toilet seat up, well, I’d like to know why women never, ever lower the lid! Seriously, after having several female guests in my house, and currently working as a dogsbody in a house with 11 women and three men, I’m telling you it just never happens! EVER! Not that it’s a crisis or anything: you know, it’s not like World Hunger but JEEE-sus H. Christ you’d think it would take a world wide fundraiser to make women even aware of it. Oy-vey!


posted by Thursday at 10:24 am


Blogger Aunty Bertha said...

There is no battle fo the sexes in my house. Everybody sits.

If you want to stand and pee,
go outside and find a tree.

Afterward, the lid goes down.

Those unfortunate souls who forget often end up with combs and such accidentally falling into the gaping lidless void. They learn quickly.


12:59 pm  
Blogger Thursday said...

The lid goes down every time Aunty?

Sorry, I'm going to need to talk to others in your household before I believe you...

7:19 am  
Blogger Aunty Bertha said...


Note the last paragraph of my comment.

It's a pretty effective reminder - especially when I won't let them just throw out what has fallen in - wash in hot water and soap and reuse.


9:18 am  
Blogger Thursday said...

You nasty, Auntie.
I like you.

10:37 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Let me get this straight...

You're trying to encourage woman to... pee through a sausage...?

I think the Ezee Pezee would be a better way for a female to accomplish peeing whilst standing.

There is another problem men need to contend with when peeing, explains it well.

Coincidentally the word verification for this comment was: sqrtamyp (sqrta my p).

7:10 pm  
Blogger Thursday said...

No, no: I'm just trying to give them some idea of the difficulties men can face when they try to shoot straight (go to speak).

Cut me some slack, here: I'm trying to describe colours to the blind.

My verification was... no where near as appropriate as yours!

12:47 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

What intregues me more is how woman get caught with their nickers down and the seat up.

Word verification wins again:
wkywm (whaky woman)


7:39 pm  
Blogger Thursday said...

I am so leaving that line alone

1:21 am  

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