A Reasonable Proposal

In response to an editorial in one of my local papers:

Re: Marcia Stobbart or Same-Sex Marriage, July 6

Finally! Someone with the courage to say that love and marriage have nothing to do with each other! (“But what’s love got to do with it?”)

Since our society was based on marriage for the purpose of procreation (not stealing land from others, as some elements would have you believe), isn’t it time for some real laws enforcing that?

Here’s what I propose:

1) Maximum age by which time marriage becomes mandatory;
2) Minimum number of years after marriage to conceive children;
3) Make divorce illegal;
4) These laws to be retroactive.

Now if someone has never been married, and they are past the set age (say, 25 years), they must take steps to remedy this within six (6) months or a marriage will be arranged for them but the appropriate ministry. Likewise, if a child has not been conceived within one (1) year, they shall be given a child by the appropriate ministry. All citizens who have been married and divorced MUST return to their original partners, excepting death of said partner. Children by another, later marriage shall be divided between the newly separated couple by an arbitrator.

Following these simple rules marriage, and thence society, are saved for future generations of our kind.