It's The Show That Never Ends!
Welcome, friends! Welcome to our series of exhibits that reveals the truths that THEY don’t want you to hear about!
Yes, after years – decades, in some cases – of hard work, battling many well-funded enemies who have repeatedly tried to hide the truth, we have finally been able to reveal to one and all what THEY were so desperate to keep hidden.
If you’ll just shuffle inside here out of the bus from that other museum, yes thank you… I know the folks there told you that they had the truth, but actually we WAY more Truth than they do, and they’re just being a bunch of apostates. What they say is the truth has nothing to do with reality!
Now, naturally, we’d love to be able to charge you nothing for this enlightening and heart-warming tour, but the evils that brought the world scientific thought controls the power, and we’re forced to ask for $19.95, to be freely donated to our grand cause.
That’s “freely donated”.
If I can remind you that I have the only communication with your tour bus and we’re miles from anywhere that’s even heard of sushi…?
Thank you for your generous donations! If you’ll just walk this way, please.
I understand that many people have wondered what good a
Now, as we start our tour, you’ll see in our Grand Hall here the so-called “periodic table of elements”. There’s no truth that we here informally call it the “periodic table of idiots”. Ha! Ha! After all, these “scientists” can never seem to get the thing right – it’s constantly changing by whatever whim is in vogue at the time. Clearly, chemicals shouldn’t be left to chemists.
Now, in here (if you’ll just be seated) is a view of the vast expanse of the heavens… It’s night, and all the stars have come out for you to see…
Don’t be too startled by the spirits you see floating above: they are ghosts and acting as our spiritual guides on our great exploration…
Pardon? “Dust”? No, of course not! These images were made with very sensitive photoreceptor equipment. With quantum film, I think. If I may continue? Thank you.
Some people say that there could be aliens out there, somewhere, and that we should try finding them for the joy of communicating with other sentient life.
But if we can’t prove that something’s there in the first place, why bother? Aliens aren’t mentioned in the bible, so if we did look, God would probably cause global warming by way of divine retribution. As great a scientist as Michael Crichton said it, so it must be true. Well, he said something like that, anyways.
Ah! And there are the lights. Off we go to our next exhibit!
Now, we’re going to be entering the theatre next, so hold on to your seats! We don’t want any money to be shaken loose! Ha! Ha! (But seriously, if anyone here has any extra money lying around, we can take care of that for you… No? No one? Fair enough, you’re all damned to hell, anyways.)
Through these doors, you’ll be shown what just may be the greatest proof of God’s creation – an actual alien visitation! Good luck, and try not to be too frightened!***
And how did you enjoy the show? I didn’t hear any screaming, so you lot must be of sterner stuff that the usual rube- uh, usual people! Say which, now? It made you hungry? Um, okay…
Ah! Now would be a perfect time for a visit to our commissary, then! All our food is guaranteed to be safe and chemical free! Now -
What's that? Yes, of course I know what chemicals are! They're bad for you, right?
Now, as I was saying: being as we’re so broke here at the
Hey! Now hold on here just a minute: this is someone we’re sure you’ll enjoy. He’s got a wonderful plan to make everyone here earn $30,000 a month!
No ma’am, that door’s locked. And that one’s one-way only. No, the windows don’t open, either – Put down that chair, please! Right, then! I see you’re eager to continue the tour, so let’s just get going, shall we?
Since you all seem to have skipped that meal, how about we relax in our trans-denominational vibrational frequency healing facility? The knowledge that all is one with God has helped us create products that allow you to heal yourself. Isn’t it amazing?
What’s that? “That’s what bodies do anyways”? Huh! Shows what you know! What kind of attitude is that, anyways? Fine, fine: if you don’t want to control the activity of your DNA to create a more perfect you, just say so!
Er… Not quite so loudly next time, all right, everyone? Thank you.
Now, we’re coming to an exhibit that I know even you will have difficulty denying: yes, it the magical healing fish of Kangal! These incredible gifts from God are proof that woo – I mean alternative medicines work! And no one knows how they cure vic-
What? Well, no; not cure exactly. Um… yes, I suppose there could be a logical reason for it. Sure, there’s a spa there that charges -
All right, look! Just shut up, okay? We’re allowed to have our beliefs, just like the noble Barry Lucier, fighting for all of us! And you can’t make us think! Otherwise!
You know what? You lot have been such a… a… pain in the fundamental that I want you out of here! Just get out! Go continue your tour somewhere else!
And I hope the next place you visit is better skilled at handling such an unruly mob! And I hope it takes you exactly two weeks to get there!
P.S.: And take those protesters across the street with you!