December 25, 2007

The Holiest Day: March 25th

You'd think that there would be another important day on the Christian calendar, given their predilection that life begins at conception...

Scene: Mud brick house. Two women, obviously friends, are talking. One [MARY] is dressed fairly conservatively, the other [BETHSHEBA] less so.

MARY: I mean, Joseph is a really nice guy…


MARY: He really cares about me, you know?

BETH: Total sweetie.

MARY: It’s just…

BETH: That you’re thirty and still a virgin.

MARY: I know, I know!

BETH: No, honey, you don’t; and that’s the point.

MARY: I do to!

BETH: Taking matters “into you own hands” isn’t the same thing, darlin’!

MARY: Well, I did find a piece of doweling that Joseph had lying around the shop…

BETH: Better, but still not the real thing.

MARY: There’s no way Joey can know about this, right?

BETH: You tell me: how often has he com home from work early?

MARY: He‘s a good worker; he wants to make sure we have enough money for when we have kids…

BETH: Yeah, well there’s something else he has to do if you guys want kids!

MARY: And…

BETH: Looked after is one thing, taken care of is another.

MARY: Maybe he’s gay?

BETH: Then the house would look nicer. Well the problem isn’t with you anyways, honey. You’re gorgeous!

MARY: But I’m so old!

BETH: If a guy’s smart, that just means you know what you’re doing.

MARY: That would be a lie.

BETH: I can change all that for you.

MARY: … What’s he like?

BETH: He’s a little older, but he’s done this sort of thing a lot.

MARY: Really?

BETH: Oh, yeah. He’s been around. I’d take him myself, but he’s got a real thing for virgins, apparently. He’s really excited to met you!

MARY: I don’t know…

BETH: The guy is powerful, too; really important. Like, REALLY important. Bit of a temper some times, but some old guys are like that. Grumpy teddy bears, really.


BETH: All you have to do is meet him. See what he’s like, and let it go from there. Look, even if he only wants one thing, that just means he won’t be hanging around later, right? Trust me, it’s a lot less complicated that way.

MARY: Okay. I’m just going to meet him though, all right?

BETH: Good for you! I’ll just go get him… Have fun! [leaves]

MARY paces back and forth, waiting. Soon we hear angelic voices in a heavenly choir, and a radiant light appears under the door. She opens it, and there is YAHWEH.

YAHWEH: Uh, hi. Mary, is it? [MARY nods] I’m Yahweh. [awkward pause] I brought flowers. [He gives her flowers]

MARY: Please, come in. [MARY waves him to the couch, where he sits]

[She take the flowers and puts them in a vase. YAHWEH watches her, and likes what he sees, especially when she ends over to put the vase on the table in front of the couch]

MARY: This was very sweet of you.

YAHWEH: No problem.

[She joins him on the couch]

MARY: So… Bethsheba has told me a lot about you.

YAHWEH: Really?

MARY: She tells me you’re a very powerful man.

YAHWEH: Well, I try not to brag too much, but yeah, you could say I’m a pretty important guy. [MARY moves closer as he talks] I’ve got the ear of the most important people in this town. When you’ve been around as long as I have, power’s just something you get used to wielding. I admit I was a bit reckless with it in my youth, destroying cities and all that; but you grow, you mature with time and realize your responsibilities, and -

MARY: Is it true you’ve got a… “thing” for virgins?

YAHWEH: Er… That’s a bit more direct than I’m -

[MARY jumps him, thrusting him back on the couch and hopping on with an eye-widening, satisfied yell]

MARY: OH! Oh, yeah… Oh, yeah… That’s it… Oh, God…

YAHWEH: Er, yes?

MARY: Mmmm.. Oh, God!

YAHWEH: Yes? What?


YAHWEH: What? What?!

MARY: Rub my clit!

YAHWEH: Your what?

MARY: My clit!


MARY: My clit! My clitoris!

YAHWEH: … I can’t seem to find it…

MARY: [grabs his hand] Right here! Oh, YES!

YAHWEH: [to himself] I didn’t put that there…

[They finally finish. YAHWEH, somewhat embarrassed, straightens up from a happily sighing MARY and places his robes back in order]

YAHEWH: [assuming an authoritarian tone] *ahem* In nine months, you shall give birth to the Savior of Man -

MARY: Hmm?

YAHWEH: Hey, could you listen here?

MARY: Mmm.. Yeah, sure…

YAHWEH: Right then. In nine months time, you shall give birth to the Savior of Man -

MARY: Say what?

YAHWEH: You are pregnant with the Christ-Child.


YAHWEH: It is the greatest blessing -

MARY: Maybe for you! You’re not married! Damn it! Beth said I couldn’t get pregnant the first time!

YAHWEH: Er… I’ll send Gabe along later with the details.

MARY: Who’s that, your lawyer? ‘Cause you’d better have a good one, bub!

YAHWEH: Now, if you’re going to get all irrational about things, perhaps I should just go.

MARY: Yeah, I guess you should!

[YAHWEH leaves in a flash of blinding light, and voices are heard through the angelic choir: “So, did you get some?” “Shoots and scores, bro!” “Dude!”]

MARY: Oh, man… What am I going to tell Joe?

Merry Christmas, one and all!


posted by Thursday at 2:20 pm


Blogger Goddess Cassandra said...

Er, Mary was about 14 when she gave birth to Jesus.

5:49 pm  
Blogger Thursday said...

Yup - and later she got assumed bodily into heaven so the mother of Jesus would never die.

I believe one like I believe the other.

Thanks for the comment!

6:07 pm  
Blogger Goddess Cassandra said...

I don't mean this is a spirtual, because-the-bible said so kind of way, I mean this in a most likely because of the culture kind of way. In Hebrew society you were married off really young.

9:52 pm  
Blogger Thursday said...

Fair enough - most societies of the time did. But my understanding is also that you didn't marry a woman until she proved herself fertile. Perhaps that was later?

In any case, what is translated as "virgin" in the King James is more accurately rendered "unmarried". Though obviously enough if a woman didn't get married until she was pregnant, our idea of being a virgin is rather radically different from theirs!

3:34 pm  
Anonymous I said...

Who’s that, your lawyer? ‘Cause you’d better have a god one, bub!

A god lawyer?

10:17 am  
Blogger Thursday said...

Whoops! Thanks - some of us aren't so infalliable as the Pope... 8)

6:26 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

In my head, I can totally see this on Robot Chicken.

Well done.

2:02 pm  
Blogger Thursday said...

Considering what they did to the Tooth Fairy, I wouldn't be at al surprised...

7:31 pm  

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