Jack and Jill Parody
Jill immediately maces him.
Jack: Agh! Agh!
Jill continues to mace him for another 15 seconds. Then she steps back and considers Jack.
Jill: That's hot.
Jack: Nice view, now that I can see it.
Jill: I have scotch! And vodka!
Jack: Oh! I, uh...
Jill: And pot!
Jack: Well, that sounds -
Jill: And condoms!
Jack: Um... great, I guess?
Jill: And rubber gloves! And duct tape! And poppers!
Jack: Could we...?
Jill: Unless you don't want to?!? (Jill starts to reach under the table) Because in that case...
Jack: No! No, I want to. I think. (Jack turns and dramatically looks out window, blinking heavily) It's just that -
Jill: Goody! So do you... um... Can we talk a little bit about pegging?
Jack: Jill, too much structure and I -
Jill: I wouldn't call a cage a 'structure', really.
Jack: My turn, my turn.
Jill: That's the point, yes.
Jack: Close your eyes.
Jill: The door locks from the inside, you know.
Jill: My eyes are closed.
Jack: Sometimes, there's this... issue... I have, with being able to... uh...
Jill: Gettin' it up?
Jack: A bit blunt, but yeah. Only sometimes, though!
Jill: (smiles) That won't be a problem.
Jack: Yeah, but later...
Jill: (Pulls ball gag from under table) We'll talk. Later.
Jack: If this was a negotiation -
Jill: One of us would end up getting hurt again.
Jack: A more sensible negotiation -
Jill: I told you 'Peloponnesian' was a lousy safeword...
Jill: That's a little better, but not much.
Jack: I work in images, where is image everything?
Jill: I could try to break into movies...
Jack: I'll give it to you straight.
Jill: But you can make more money in... Oh, right.
Jack: You've maxed out. Managing an office for that strangely musical orthopedic surgeon -
Jill: He's a bit weird, but he's got a lovely shrine to his mother!
Jack: You've gone over his books, though: he's using WAY more gas than he should.
Jill: Added benefit - he can never tell when I bring some home.
Jack: Okay, point, valid point, but -
Jill: Flip you for it.
Jack: Will you stick to the -
Jill: Heads or tails?
Jack: Is everything sex with you?
Jack: Well, no. But this is important!
Jill: So convince me.
Jack: You are an implacable hard ass.
Jill: Broken two paddles so far.
Jack: Marry me.
Jill: Who is it?
Jack: It's me, Jack.
Jill: You can't come in!
Jack: (Jack sits, dispirited, leaning against the door) I can't get married.
Jill runs to the door in her wedding dress, opening it as Jack falls to the ground.
Jill: I see.
Jack: I can't do it. I'm a horrible person, and - (Jill drops her wedding dress to the ground) Okay!
Jack: Sex on a beach.
Jack: Never again.
Jack: Long day at work. Whew! Long day. You?
Jill: I'm on the pill again.
Jack: Oh, thank God!
Jack: What is this?
Jill: Paper. In this case, fibers mashed with a chemical agent to break them down, then bleached and bonded into a cohesive sheet appropriate for writing on.
Jack: And the note on it?
Jill: I was doodling, Jack.
Jack: Is it about going bowling again? With your co-workers?
Jill: We're just blowing -
Jack: Marty Indecipherable? With hearts?
Jill: Not Marty yet, no. And it's bowling.
Jack: Well, I don't like it one little bit. Do you hear me clearly?
Jill: First time I've heard THAT!
Jack: (ducking) Hi.
Jack: I think the Mikasa 'Swirl White' pattern is mine.
Jill: (Throwing dish set at him) Yours.
Jack: So, can we talk about me for a minute, here?
Jill throws table at Jack. Clouds of Plaster of Paris fill theatre. Audience exits, coughing.
Jack: (unable to see Jill) Bye, Jill.
Jill: (emerges from billowing clouds like a ninja) Goodbye, Jack.
Stage is dark, with a bed barely seen. Jill wakes up violently, smacking Jack in the face.
Jack: Not the face!
Jill: What? Who? What?
Jill turns on her light, revealing herself and Jack.
Jack: Ow, my nose.
Jill: Still not a good safeword.
Jack: Well, it's not broken.
Jill: I have no idea who you are.
Jack: Where am I?
Jill: We'll get to that. Deniability seems key right now.
Jack: Jill? Is that you?
Jill: ...You've got to be kidding me.
Jack: It is! Yay!
Jill: (muttering to herself) You go to ONE 1970s throwback key party in this town...
Jack: I knew you liked me!
Jill: Yeah. Sure. Bits of you, any way. Maybe not your nose so much right now.
Jack: Does this mean we're back together?
Jill: In your dreams.
Jack turns off his light and lies down.
Jill: You've gotta be kidding me.
Jack: Come on, it was cute!
Jill: No, it wasn't.
Jack: It was. For a minute there.
Jack: Thirty seconds.
Jill: When I say 'no'...
Jack: (suddenly turns doe-eyed) Pweeeze?
Jill: I am getting out of this bed.
Director (off stage): Underwear? Seriously? Maaannn...
Jack: What he said.
Jill: Jack, when two people were... what we were...
Jill: No, what we were. The relationship.
Jack: Oh, right!
Jill: Not to say this wasn't fun...
Jack: Darned tootin'!
Jill: It's time for you to go.
Jack: This is our longest scene!
Jill: You flatter yourself. Git.
Jack: Aww! How about one for the road?
Jill: Well, okay. But no hands!
Jack: No hands.
Jill: For auld lang's ayne.
Jack: For auld lang's ayne.
She climbs back into bed and turns off the light.
Jack: This is better. Much, much better. (pause) What are you doing?
Jill's voice is muffled, but it sounds like she says "shut up, I'm busy".
Director (off stage): Him, too? Where's the commitment, for crying out loud? I ask you!
Audience: What he said.
Jack: So, I, uh... California. Just did a big image collage for a big time release. Spelling Films. "Rumpelstiltskin." Going to be huge this year. Massive.
Jack: Yeah. John Ducey, Tommy Blaze... Big, uh, stars. But none of them could fill the void left by you, y'know?
Jill re-enters in a business suit and gets herself ready for work.
Jack: The void. You know, the - Jill? - the void? Left by you?
Jill: Doin' my hair over here, Jack.
Jack: Wow. You'd normally be all over that double entendre as soon as I said it. What's different about you? Something's missing.
Jill: You're sweet, but that comes from later in the script. Bye!
She kisses him lightly, gives his groin a healthy squeeze, and exits.
Jack: Uh, Jill?
Jill: Goin' to work now, Jack!
Jack: Wow. So you do this every day, huh?
She maces him immediately.
Jack: Agh! Agh!
Jill continues to mace Jack until the audience is weeping uncontrolably.
Jill: So maybe don't stalk people, dumbass! (She considers her handiwork, biting her lip.) Mmm. Hey, Jack, can you dance?
Jill: (Pulls a card from her handbag, which she somehow has on her, and puts it beside him.) See you tonight at nine, Hotel Gaulitier! SO hot...
Jack: I think I got the address wrong...
Jill: Rob Halford! You came!
Jack: How long until they invent Google Maps?
Jill: Well, this IS a fundraiser... Pretty sure you can get a bidding war started on the floor here.
Jack: Did you know which card you gave me this afternoon?
Jill: Huh. Could have been anything.
Jack: It wasn't for here.
Jill: That explains why you're late.
Jack: So where can we meet?
Jill: I think there's a closet behind the bar -
Jack: In this life?
The music stops.
Jill: Hey, Jack: you're a nice guy with intereting sartorial tastes and lively plaything; but that doesn't mean you're a keeper, you know?
Jack: Dumb orchestra.
Jill: I've got other priorities right now, and as fun as you are my own life has to take precedence.
Jack: Who stops right in the middle of a song?
Jill: It's really important to me that I take the time to find where I am. Jack stomps into the orchestra pit (off stage) It's a matter of overcompensating, maybe, for my earlier life where I not only didn't know where I was, but didn't know to look.
Jack: (off stage) Kick out the jams, motherfuckers!
Jill: And now I'm in a place that I... well, maybe it's not ideal, but I just have to be here a while before I can find a new balance, and I just don't think that includes anyone else right now.
The dulcet tones of The Forgotten Rebel's "Fuck Me Dead" start up. Jack returns.
Jill: I hope you understand.
Jack: WOOOOOO!!! MOSH PIIIIIIT!!!
Jack hurls himself into the audience with great vigour.
Jill: Okay, but just one more night.
Jill hurls herself into audience.
Jill: Sorry, I didn't think anybody used horse any more! (The sounds of vomiting come from inside the stall) Seriously, I hadn't even heard of people inhaling it even back in the day... I wouldn't have given you any because I know opiates make you nauseous.
Jack: Aww, you rememberhuurkoffkoffack!
Jill: Of course I remembered, silly! Back when I contemplated killing you I was trying to figure out which poisons would be most likely to stay down.
Jill: I changed my mind.
Jack: About us? Oh, happy dauuurk!
Jill: No, no: not about us. Just about whether I should kill you or not. I decided not to.
Jack: Does that mean we...?
Jack: Fuck youuuurgh!
Jill: But, Jack!
Jack: Oh, God, what was that? Seriously, fuck right off and let me die here.
Jill: But I -
Jack: Piss off.
Jill sadly leaves the stage to the sound of dry heaves.
Jill: Is that... Jack?
Jack: What? Oh.
Jack runs off stage, screaming.
Jack: KEEP AWAY FROM ME YOU FUCKING PSYCHO!
Jill: So HOT...
Jack: I'm armed.
Jill: So, I thought it would be cool if I stalked you for a while and finally tracked you down to here, which is pretty cool. Reading and stuff.
Jack: No. Nope. Go away.
Jill: And I thought it would be really great if we got back together.
Jack: You're insane.
Jill: Because I really miss you and I'm kinda lonely now.
Jack: Keep away from me. We're never getting back together, ever.
Jill: You're sure?
Jack: Hell, yes.
Jill: Well, okay.
Jack watches Jill leave, then sighs with relief and goes back to reading his book. Jill tiptoes back on stage and crawls under the table.
Jack: Changed my mind! We can get back together!
Jill: (muffled) Hooray!