August: Cowichan County
A Shawnigan Players Parody
The scene takes place
inside Beverly's study in the Weston home. He, a dissolute and aged
wastrel, is interviewing a younger woman who, and we can't stress
this enough, is NOT IN BROWNFACE. Seriously, don't even think of
that. I don't care if your "great-grandfather was one-eigth
Pawnee, just don't.
Beverly: Beat me and bite me and teach me to bark
I looked in the ocean, and there saw the shark.
I looked at the shark and it showed me its jaws,
And that is the reason I'm not, though I was.
Beverly reaches into his desk and pulls out a bunsen burner
Dennis Lee. Sharks aren't
much of a threat here, but I don't suppose they're really much of a
threat outside of films that encourage the supposed "busting"
of "blocks", are they?
During the next speech, he puts surgical tubing, a small baggie
filled with crystals, an empty syrnge, and a striker for the burner
on the table.
Still, I suppose he had quite enough of alligators to last him
several lifetimes. To each our degeneracy, and his was poems. Mine,
too. Lucky bastard hit on a winning formula at a time when poems
were actually read and no one told him to put it to music.
He ignites gets a spoon out and delicately places some crystals
I don't suppose you're a hopeless junky, Miss...?
Jonna: Monevata. No, sir.
Beverly: Not a poet, then.
He does a casual loop around his arm, lights the burner, and
begins to melt the crystals
You should be. Great racket. Beats cleaning houses or looking
after old psychopaths for a living, that's for sure.
Violet shrieks from off stage, a voiceless howl
Speak of the devil and she will surely hear. To offstage
Violet appears at the top of the stairs, sees Jonna, and howls
I don't understand you, dear.
Violet: Stop! Hammer time!
She Hammer Dances out of sight. Beverly looks disgusted
Beverly: I suppose the Furious Five was too much to hope for. You'll
have to excuse my wife – she occasionally thinks she's a rap artist
from the early 80s. Try not to be too discerning, if you would be
kind. And now I see my concotion is ready, and will be off to the
land of nod. Ta!
He cinches up and injects himself, leaning back with a sigh
Alligator pie, alligator pie, alligator pie, alligator pie...
Jonna: So, I guess I'm hired, then? Hello?
Mattie Fae, Ivy, and Charlie are seated in the kitchen, shivering.
Charlie is watching a baseball game on TV
Mattie Fae: He's buggered off before, so there's nothing to panic
about. Isn't that right, Charlie?
Charlie: Usually in his own brain, though.
Mattie Fae: I've told Violet, I said to her she should hunt down
where he keeps his stash and make him use it all at once.
Charlie: Now that would just kill him.
Mattie Fae: Serve him right, too.
Charlie: You don't kill a man for wanderin' off once or twice.
Mattie Fae: He did more than that! I introduced those two, you
Charlie: You did not introduce him to Violet.
Mattie Fae: I meant I intorduced him to smack.
Charlie: Oh, yeah. That you did do.
Ivy: Really? So you knew him when he was coherent?
Mattie Fae: He was never that – he was a poet even back then, so
none of us ever knew what the hell he was talking about. Great lay,
Charlie: When did Violet get intereted in Hendrix?
Ivy: How do you mean?
Charlie: The posters covering all the windows. He reads them
Band of Gypsys, Midnight Lightning, Jimmi Hendrix Experience, Loose
Ends. Can't be easy to sleep with all those colours staring at you!
And the faces. All the faces. The faces that are just one face,
looking at you. Judging you from the walls. The walls.
He stares at the television
The walls. Judging you. Judging.
Mattie Fae: Whew, I'm sweatin' in here! All my sweat's poolin' up
in uncomfortable places. Feel my butt crack!
Charlie: I don't wanna feel your butt crack.
She sways her butt hypnotically in front of him
Mattie Fae: Feel it. Feel it! Feeeeeel iiiiiiit!
Charlie: Is it kicking in already? Usually takes about fifteen,
twenty minutes. But time, you know?
Ivy: Uh, guys? My dad? Plus, I'm kinda in the room, here.
Charlie: The walls.
Mattie Fae: Oh, it ain't that big! Now feel it!
Ivy: Yep, I'm leaving.
Mattie Fae: I can't believe you're just sitting there getting stoned
out of your nut when we have a situation here. Specifically with me
being horny right this second. Now get off your ass and onto mine.
Charlie: Where you goin'?
Mattie Fae: The kitchen. I'm gonna open drawers at random and see
what's handy. Come on!
Charlie: Whadda need me for? I got the Teletubbies on!
Mattie Fae: You know I like an audience. Besides, that's a baseball
Charlie: Fascinated It is?
Mattie Fae: Yeah, the Royals.
Charlie screams and runs away to the kitchen, Mattie Fae following
Violet: Hello? Is anyone here?
Seeing no one, she goes to the liquor cabinet and pours herself
Now that I got me some Seagram's Gin,
Everybody's got their cups but they ain't chipped in.
This type a shit happens all the time
You got to get yours? Fool, I got to get mine.
Barbara and Bill are standing on the front porch to the house with
Barbara: Where the fuck is she?
Bill: What? Who? Not here! Wait, who?
Barbara: Our daughter, dumbass.
Bill: Right, of course. Hotboxing the car, I think.
Barbara: She'd better be able to walk her ass over here before I
knock on this goddamn door.
Bill: She'll be fine. Built up a pretty high tolerance for it by
Barbara: Just like her parents. I tell you about the spliff?
Bill: The spliff?
Barbara: Mom caught the us girls sparking up, and she was furious.
It was this tiny little pinner, about as big around as your dick -
Bill: All right...
Barbara: - but she made us sit in a closet and finish Judy's whole
stash in one go. Wouldn't let us out of the closet until it was all
Bill: Well that's terri- Wait, who's Judy?
Barbara: She asphixiated before we could finish it all.
Bill: Um. Wow.
Barbara: Her fault for being so tall. Would have been horrific, but
all that pot really took the edge off. About fuckin' time!
Jean: Whatever, man.
Barbara: Here we go. She walks into the house Mom? Hey!
Mattie Fae and Charlie enter
Mattie Fae: Barbara!
Barbara: Hi, Aunt Mattie. That the kitchen? You been fuckin'
Mattie Fae: You know it!
Barbara: With a significant look at Bill I've done worse.
Bill: All right, now...
Charlie: Hey. Cool skin, man.
Bill: Hi, Charlie.
Charlie: Yeah. Looks... wild, man. Wild.
Ivy and Violet enter
Ivy: Oh, thank God you're here! She's been asking for you all
She starts dancing
They come from miles around
to check out the sound
Watch the walls come tumblin' down
Kid 'n' Play is the perfect team
Now's the time to let off some steam.
Jonna's room. She's in bed holding up a book with one hand while
the other is out of sight. She seems oddly flushed.
Jean: Knock, knock.
Jonna leaps about a foot off the bed, nearly throwing the book
across the room. She tries to find it, spots where it landed and
scrambles to retrieve it
Jonna: Nothing! Nothing going on!
Jean: Mind if I come in?
Jonna: No! What?
Jonna panics and pulls the covers off the bed, hastily wrapping
herself in them as Jean enters
Jonna: Uh. Hi.
Jean: Cool dress. Is that, like, Indian or something?
Jean: Mind if I hang out in your room a while?
Jonna: Actually, I was kinda in the middle of something...
Jean: Oh, cool! Was it, like, some kinda ritual your people do?
Jonna: Among others.
Jean: So, you do it alone?
Jean: Can I watch?
Jonna: How old are you?
Jean: Fourteen. Ish.
Jean: My parents really suck, you know.
Jonna: Bummer. Get out.
Bill and Barbara's room. Bill enters, waving a book of poems
while Barbara makes their bed
Bill: Hey, would you look at this!
Barbara: Not lookin'.
Bill: Hardcover origanal printing, signed by Beverly!
Barbara: Don't care.
Bill: Aw, it's even dedicated to Violet. That's sweet!
Barbara: Fuck off.
Bill reads from the book
Bill: "I saw the best minds from my generation destroyed by
madness, starving hysterical naked, dragging themselves through the
negro streets at dawn looking for an angry fix."
He looks at the cover
Um. This, uh, this seems...
This is Beverly's poems, right?
Bill: They seem kinda familiar is all.
Barbara: Why does everyone keep saying that?
Bill: I'll ask him when he gets back.
back the sheets of their bed
Like that'll happen. Get in. Let's see if Little Missy managed to
teach you anything new.
Barbara: Get in the bed, bitch!
Dark, then blue lights from outside the house start to flash.
Jonna: Hey. Hey! Sheriff's here.
Barbara: Hm? Why are the police here? We didn't do anything that
out from under the bed
Speak for yourself.
Jonna: Should I try waking up whoever?
Bill: Nah, let her sleep it off. We don't need Ice-T showing up
when we're talking to the cops.
Jean runs by, her arms full
Jean: I suddenly really have to go to the bathroom!
A toilet flushes
Barbara: What the fuck?
Bill: Let her go. Let's deal with the po-po.
They go down stairs where Sheriff Gilbeau is waiting
Bill: Hi, I'm Bill.
Gilbeau: Oh my God, you're hot!
A toilet flushes
Gilbeau: Barbara. Goddess. You are everything to me.
Barbara: Do I know you?
streaming from his eyes
She speaks to me!
Barbara: Yeah, you're that weirdly uptight kid with the really hot
Gilbeau's eyes roll back in spontaneous orgasm
Gilbeau: Ah! Ah! Ohhhh! My life is complete! I die in ecstacy!
Bill: So, about Beverly?
Gilbeau: Oh, yeah. He's dead.
Barbara sobs and collapses
Bill: Smooth delivery you've got there.
A toilet flushes
Bill: So he's really dead? Not faking it somehow?
Gilbeau: Know anyone who can hold their breath for three days?
Bill: I don't think so.
Gilbeau: You don't.
Barbara gathers herself and stands
Barbara: I'll go tell Jean.
A toilet flushes as she goes back upstairs
Jean? Jean, honey?
Jean: Busy! I'm suddenly really, really sick!
Barbara: Your grandpa's dead, sweetie.
A toilet flushes
Jean: What? Grandpa's dead?
Barbara: That's right, dear.
Jean: That's what they're here for?
Barbara: Yes, dear.
Violet enters down stairs
Violet: Yuh tha Gilbooo boy, heay? DEEEEon.
Gilbeau: Close enough.
Violet: Beverly bouncin'?
Violet begins dancing
Violet: I gotta love jones for your body and your skin tone
five minutes alone I'm already on the bone.
Plus I love the fact you've got a mind of your own
no need to shop around, you got the good stuff at home.
Scene All of Them
Barbara sets up a dinner table while Karen monologues
Karen: So then I said to Karen (the other Karen, not me) that
Kimberly should have had to go to the convention instead of her
(Karen, the other one) instead because that was what she'd been
promised what with the trouble Katie (with an ie not a y) had been,
y'know? And then STEVE, oh my God STEVE, he went ahead and jumped in
and said... you know what he said?
Karen: No! He said "sure"! Isn't that amazing? That's
how I just know he's absolutely perfect for me. For us, really;
after all isn't he joining the family? So he's really for all of us,
at least that's how I look at it. Take right now, for instance: he's
not here, is he?
Karen: No! Because he's out making contacts and getting booze so we
can survive the nightmarish hellscape that is our family! Isn't that
just the best?
Barbara: Why not.
Karen: It is the best, seriously.
Seriously. And he's the best. He's off helping us as soon as he
heard help was needed and he gets me all the amphetamines I could
ever use – well, not that I could ever
use, I guess, but you know what I mean. I mean, you might not know
what I mean, but the meaning is there nevertheless.
Barbara: Do you ever shut up?
Karen: Whether you understand the meaning or you interpret it
differently isn't really my problem, unless I want to communicate
with you. And that's really the crux of it, isn't it? Everything
that is communication between two people is left as an ultimately
uncertain event, as we never truly know how well the message we had
intended to send was received.
Barbara: Jesus Fuckstick, you don't.
Karen: Marshall Mcluhan said that the medium is the message, but so
many people get that wrong! They think he was talking about how a
message was delivered was suddenly as important or even more
important than the information was being conveyed. And that's just
silly, you know?
Little Charles: Sorry I missed the funeral, dad.
Charles: It was a downer. Uncool.
Little Charles: I really wanted to be there.
Charles: I grok you, man. It's all good.
Karen: Then there's the ultimate filtering from thought to
expression to hearing to understanding, and our culture and
everything that inhabits that culture is the filter through which
every stage forces that message. It's all around us, even if we
don't think about it of even fully understand that it's there.
Steve: ...and when Florida Man hit, it was big. We managed to
monetize some of that, but it's been really hard to recapture the
magic of Grumpy Cat.
Bill: What did you say you do again?
Steve: Memes. We figure out what's going to be hot over the next
couple of hours and flood the internet with images, letting other
people make all our content.
Bill: You make money off this?
Steve: Grumpy Cat brought in over $20 million dollars in two years.
Steve: Charlie Bit My Finger was an inspiration to us all.
Karen: When he's referring to 'medium' it's probably better to think
of it as in the chemistry term 'medium', or what the chemical in
question is suspended in. So when STEVE, oh my God STEVE mentioned
memes to me I started thinking about the molarity concentration of
solutions and asked him if he saw the internet and that social
sharing as a solution to distribute memes in he looked at me kinda
funny (SO funny!) and said – you know what he said?
Karen: NO! He said 'sure'! Isn't that adoreable?
Barbara: Oh for fuck's sake.
Ivy: Glad you could... come.
Little Charles: You make it hard
for me to miss.
Ivy: If you attended the funeral, dad wouldn't be the only thing
soaking wet for three days.
Little Charles: Or stiff for longer.
Ivy: You might want to see a doctor about that.
Little Charles: Too subtle?
Mattie Fae: Tiny, you can sit at the kids' table.
Little Charles: Am I being punished?
Ivy: Want to be?
Mattie Fae: Your name's Little Charles. How is it you think I like
you at all?
Ivy: I can sit on his lap!
Little Charles: Again.
Mattie Fae: Get out of my sight, you disgusting creature.
Steve: Hey, who's the little hottie?
Bill: My daughter.
Steve: Intoriduce me?
Bill: How much of the $20 million did you get?
Karen: So ANYway, then Karen (other Karen, not me) gets all huffy
about Kimberly managing to get out of going to the convention because
of some ancient problem Katie had (with an ie not a y). Actually,
her problem started with a K and ended with an aren, and NOT other
Karen, but she totally deserved it.
Steve: Well, hey there.
Jean: I'll blow you for a Xanax.
Steve: I heard you like old- what?
Jean: I'm jonesing in a serious way, here. I had to flush my stash
when the cops showed up.
Steve: Well you are in luck. I just happen to have contacts who are
importing some fine stuff from Russia called krokodil, and it's
taking the streets by storm.
Jean: Isn't that the stuff that eats your skin?
Steve: Sure, there's side effects; but the profit margin is through
the roof! And how cool is it to shoot up stuff from Russia? Pretty
Jean: I'll let you know.
Violet enters from upstairs
Violet: It's the hard knock life for us. It's the hard knock life
Steve: Oo, I know this one!
Violet: Stead a' treated, we get tricked! Stead a' kisses we get
kicked! It's the hard knock life.
Little Steve: Annie! I love Annie!
Karen: That would be weird.
Violet: Don't know how to sleep, gotta eat, stay on my toes
Got a lot a beef, so logically prey on my foes.
Hustling's still inside of me
And as far as progress you'll be hard pressed
To find a rapper hot as me.
Charles: Who's she talking to? Is it the bugs? It's the bugs,
Violet: I gave you prophecy in my first joint and y'all lamed out.
Didn't really appreciate it 'till the second came out.
So I stretched the game out, Xed your name out,
Put a jigger on top and drop albums non-stop for ya now.
Barbara stands up and attacks Violet, eventually throwing her to
the ground amidst yells and general chaos. Eventually, she stands
over her prone mother
Barbara: West Coast, Bitch!
Barbara and Ivy are drinking heavily while Karen speaks
Karen: It's not just that the medium that the message is moving in
can change what the message is, it's that it does change what the
message is perceived to be simply because of how we perceive, and
send, communications. Y'see, talking is a universal message, right?
It's like something we all do, right?
Ivy: Where was she when Tupac was shot, any way?
Barbara: Don't know, don't care; but if she starts chanelling Tim
Dog I'm taking her out for good.
Karen: Great example! Like rap was originally talking, really. Even
the singing was just whatever instruments were at hand, but more
commonly no instruments at all. Then instead of instruments,
completed music was used, but in pieces; so what you used were parts
of other completed songs, which had their own messages. So the
artists new message was infused with the message that the song they
were using had already conveyed, but only if the listener was
familiar with that previous song.
Barbara: Hey, Ivy; are you boning Little Charles?
Ivy: Oh, drat! How did you know?
Barbara: Even Karen could tell.
Karen pauses to nod at Ivy
Karen: The same song could have several messages delivered,
depending on not only whether the sampled piece was known to the
listener, but what they thought of the that song and associations
they had with it.
Barbara: He is your cousin, you know.
Ivy: Really. I had no idea.
Barbara: So what are you planning to do about it?
Ivy: We're going to New York.
Barbara: The fuck are you going to do there?
Ivy: Charles wants to sign on with
Bad Boy Records. Barbara
stands I'm kidding!
Suge Knight all the way!
Karen: See? Knowing what we know changes how each of us might
receive the message, but also the intent of the message sent! Now
that's just a small part of it, and I've probably spent WAY too much
time on that part.
Barbara: No shit.
Karen: It's because the references go well beyond the individual,
which Mcluhan was actually not very concerned with, and into the
society at large. It's the effects of the message, or the intended
effect of that message, to the society that's the important thing,
Barbara: So what about the ho-bag?
Ivy: Mom? I've lived way to close to her for way too long, so,
yeah. No. Done with her.
Barbara: Well I sure as hell don't want to deal with her...
They look at Karen
Karen: And Kimberly's got this kid now, so she's kind of made her
own excuse for not traveling anywhere, especially to things like
MacheteCon on account of the violence and blood everywhere, you know?
It seriously just soaks in to everywhere, and who knows what effect
that will have on a newborn psyche like that, right?
Barbara: Shit. It's me, isn't it?
Karen: Now if I had to go STEVE, oh my God, STEVE would so totally
be right there with me. Partially to try keeping me safe, sure; but
also, you guys, because anyone who would be crazy enough to attend
would probably love to try this new stuff he's bringing in, krokodil?
It's totally insane that anyone would ever use it, but people do.
Isn't that just the weirdest thing?
Jean's room. She and Steve enter
Jean: I thought you said we weren't doing anything wrong.
Steve: Workin' on it.
Jean: So do you have any Xanax or what?
Steve: Well, no. That's really specific. Why not just use alcohol?
Jean: No way! You know what that does to your liver?
Steve: You have got to be joking me. This family takes stuff
that'll randomly alter their DNA, and you're worried about your
Jean: Good point. Okay, drop 'em.
Steve: How old did you say you were again?
Jean: I dunno. Fifteen, I think.
Steve: I'm going to want the lights off for this, then.
He turns the light off. Soon after, Jonna walks on stage and
turns them on
Jonna is weilding a truly impressive sex toy
Jonna: I think there's some extra batteries in here. Mind if I
Steve: Uh, sure.
Jonna spots Jean
Jonna: You told me you were fourteen.
Jean: Oh, yeah. Fourteen.
Steve: She told me she was twenty-five!
Jonna hits him repeatedly with the sex toy
Steve: Ow! Ow! Ow!
Bill and Barbara enter
Bill: What's going on here?
Barbara: Seriously. Am I tripping balls, or is this real.
Jean: Oh my God, you're so embarrassing!
Steve: Uh... it's all part of a marketing plan?
Barbara: I'll kill you!
Steve: Look us up when you're in Florida!
Steve leaps out the window
Bill: I'm going to join him. He seems a lot more fun than you are.
Bill leaps out window followed by the sound of a car racing down
Barbara: You wouldn't know fun if it bit off your balls! Thinks
He may have a point.
Barbara and Jonna are in the Beverly's study
Barbara: If you want to stick around, you can. But there has to be
at least one person here who isn't utterly incapacitated 90% of the
time, so that's you.
Jonna: I understand.
Barbara: You'll have to start using recyclable batteries, though.
We're going through way to many of the single-use ones – the
landfill called us up to complain, the bastards.
Jonna: Dang. How about rechargables?
Barbara: We couldn't afford the electrical bills.
Jonna: Aw, man!
Barbara: We could get you one of those. Cheaper in the long run,
and just as disposable.
Jonna: Not my type.
Barbara: Woman, then. Still cheaper.
Barbara: Running out of options, here.
Jonna: You got a tool shop?
Barbara: Sure. This fucking place would fall apart without it.
Jonna: That'll do nicely.
Barbara: Ah. Okay, then. Try not to burn the place down and you
Jonna: You got it.
Sheriff Gilbeau and Barbara are in the kitchen
Barbara: The fuck you want?
Gilbeau: Oh, yes. Very much so.
Barbara: Huh. Yeah, you could come in handy.
Gilbeau: I desperately want to bring a little modicum of joy, and
hope, and self-respect to your life.
Gilbeau: Aww. How about your live-in, then? She's hot.
Barbara: She's mechano-sexual.
Barbara and Ivy are in the sitting room; Violet enters
Barbara: Hi, mom.
Violet: Workin' on it.
Barbara: We've been over this. You can't get high on Advil, no
matter what you cut it with.
Violet: You forgot to take the booze.
Barbara: After the abuse you've put your liver through? You'll be
dead in a week if you try, ya dumb fucker.
Ivy: I've got something to say.
Violet: I'm sure I care.
Ivy: Charles and I -
Barbara: Little Charles.
Ivy: Charles and I -
Barbara: Little Charles.
Ivy: Charles and I -
Barbara: Little Charles.
Ivy: He's hung like a bull, Barbara.
Barbara: Little Ch- What?
Ivy: Seriously. Baby's arm holding an apple.
Barbara: Did not expect that.
Violet: She finally says something interesting.
Ivy: At least thirty minutes of foreplay.
Ivy: Charles and I-
Barbara: Big Charles.
Ivy: Barbara! Charles-
Violet: Charles is adopted. I know that.
Ivy: What? No...
Violet: I've always known that. You didn't think Mattie Fae, who's
never shown the least interest in anything sentient, and Charlie, who
isn't sure anything exists outside his own head, could get it
together enough to reproduce? Even by accident? Please.
Little Charles enters, trying not to be seen
Barbara: Look out! Heavy equipment, comin' through!
Little Charles: Did you tell her?
Barbara: She sure did! Woo!
Ivy: I... kinda.
Little Charles: That we're going to New York?
Barbara: Big apple, huh?
Ivy: About that...
Little Charles: What's wrong?
Barbara: Her cervix needs a holiday, you brute!
Ivy: You're adopted.
Little Charles: I'm what?
Ivy: We're not actually related. Sorry. You're just not that
interesting anymore. Bye.
She leaves, followed by a sad Little Charles
Barbara: What a crazy bitch. Hey, Lit- Hey, Charles! Charlie!
You know I'm practically divorced?
Barbara leaves after them
Violet: Barbara, I was... Barbara? Barbara? Ivy? Ivy, where...?
The lights temporarily dim as we hear some kind of heavy machinery
starting up overhead
No one comes. She sits on the floor and recites Denni Lee to
herself in a diminishing voice
Once upon a time
There was a teeny tiny tale.
It had a good beginning,
but the middle seemed pale.
And when it reached the section
where the middle should have been
the teeny tiny tale, alas,
Was nowhere to be...