March 31, 2006

Sex: Off to a Good Start?

First things first: I'm going to pimp out a site as essential viewing if you, the reader, either have children who are ten or older or ARE ten or older yourself. It is frank, sound, practical advice about sexuality of all sorts and should be mandatory reading by the time someone hits junior high.

If you think you might be uncomfortable with the subject, read the site through first, then either: A) walk through the basics with your kid before leaving them to explore; or B) sneak it on to their "Bookmarks", then check again in a couple of weeks to see if it's still there.

The site is Scarleteen, and hopefully your kid has already been there.


I've never been big on what seems to be a common male fantasy: sex with a virgin. Sexually speaking, I wasn't attracted to eighteen year olds even when I was eighteen; a moot point at best, of course, since I'm a geek and practiced reproduction mostly by accident. Recently, though, I've had reason to reconsider my view.

Wooderson: That's what I love about these high school girls, man: I get older, they stay the same age!

So I've definitely got the "Creepy Old Man" image playing in my head right now despite the young woman approaching me instead of the other way around. I've talked it over with my wife (of course), and she wasn't as surprised as I expected her to be, which surprised me. The attention is tremendously flattering, of course, especially given my insufficiently-excersised physique, but it is rather jarring.

The reasons:

1) See Wooderson quote above (except she's well out of high school, thank you);
2) I'm a geek. Having an attractive young woman find me sexually appealing is... odd;
3) I think I could do a good job of it.

That third reason is what's thrown me the most. It's not just the physical aspect of sex; I'm very confident in my ability there. But would I be a better choice than someone her own age socially, ethically, or intellectually? The biggest trick here is to try seperating my inherent bias (we all have one) to see what could result.

I'm going to leave aside the social aspect, because that would provide too many clues to who the woman is. The internet is not a place to keep secrets.

Ethically, I'm a firm supporter of Dan Savage's old/young maxim: spread no diseases, make no babies, break no hearts. The first two are the easy bits, as playing safe is not an option so much as it is the option. The last is far more complex, as I can only take responsibility for most of it, not all of it. Looking back over my history, I can't say I've always made the right choices in relationships; in some cases I've made terrible ones, but I would like to think I'm well past that time now. I examine my life fairly regularly, and consider my actions in much greater depth than I did, say, fifteen years ago. Being married nine years to the coolest person I've ever met helps with that, I suppose.

Intellectually speaking, there are certain ground rules that would have to be in force; lots to talk about here. For instance, the undersatnding that I won't be leaving my wife. That if either one of us feels any doubt about having sex, it isn't going to happen. That she's thought about what having sex could mean in her future, ie. does she think she might want to "save herself" for her husband? (A ridiculous thought from my point of view: sexual compatability is essential for a healthy marriage. Try before you buy!) Mostly, what does she want or expect from this?

Now, I've always liked the idea of teaching; I'd like to be a motorcycle riding instructor, for instance. But as far as sex goes, I've always preferred to show someone who has at least the basic mechanics already down some interesting variants on the theme, so to speak. Would I have the patience for starting with someone who is a tabla rasa? Would that be a bad thing? What would I want from such an encounter?

I'll quickly go through the obvious: she is very attractive physically, as well as being smart enough, sassy enough, and silly enough to be a lot of fun to talk to. She would, I think, be a sexual delight, and I am confident she would find any time we had together to be tremendously entertaining and fulfilling. Now, that's out of the way, right? Good.

What I'd like to see her come away with is a little sexual knowledge, some physical understanding, and a lot of confidence. A problem arises: what can you compare a person to without sounding crass? e.e. cummings suggested a car, Robert Burns a rose; but what comes to my mind here is a phrase I associate (horribly enough) with rental halls: leave it in better condition than you found it. The image is atrocious, but the idea is accurate to my desires. I would like anyone who has sex with me to leave feeling good about their decision. Partly, this comes from being a geek: I have always relied on repeat business, so if I was ever lucky enough for someone to want to have sex with me, I made damn sure I did as good for them as possible!

Wandering slightly off track, here...

So that's the bar I set for myself. Is it too high? Too low? Impossible to say until it happens, I suppose. If it happens at all: one other rule I've decided upon: whatever happens, it is entirely the young woman's decision.

As it should be.


posted by Thursday at 11:06 pm


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