A Hazard of Email
I thought I'd share, adding my own commentary to the mix:
----- Original Message -----
From: XXXX
Once you have opened this e-mail, there's no turning back.
Unless you, you know, turn back.
Below are true descriptions of zodiac signs,
Paradox!
with traits from a book written 35 years ago by an astrologist predictions.
By a what?
Read your sign, then forward it on, with your zodiac sign and label on the subject line.
This is real deal, try ignoring it, and the first thing you'll notice is having a horrible day starting tomorrow morning - and it only gets worse from there.
As long as it's better than your punctuation, I'll be fine.
ARIES - The Liar
So the writer's an Aries, then?
Outgoing. Lovable. Spontaneous. Not one to mess with. Funny.
Excellent kisser EXTREMELY adorable. Loves relationships, Addictive. Loud.
Punctuates randomly...
16 years of bad luck if you do not forward.
For them or me?
TAURUS - The Tramp
Aggressive. Loves being in long relationships.
Wait - "The Tramp" loves long relationships?
Likes to give a good fight for what they want. Extremely outgoing. Loves to help people in times of need.
Unless they're in the way of what the Taurus wants.
Good kisser. Good personality. Stubborn. A caring person. One of a kind. Not one to mess with. Are the most attractive people on earth!
And, boy! Do they let everyone else know! Arrogant bastards...
15 years of bad luck if you do not forward.
GEMINI - Irresistible
Nice. Love is one of a kind. Great listeners Very Good in the you
know where...
Ass? Just guessing here.
Lover not a fighter, but will still knock you out.
...By being Very Good in the you know where, I'm guessing.
Trustworthy. Always happy. Loud. Talkative. Outgoing VERY FORGIVING.
I see the Random Capitalization Fairy has arrived.
Loves to make out.
But apparently, their kissing isn't worth mentioning.
Has a beautiful smile. Generous. Strong. THE MOST IRRESISTIBLE 9 years of bad luck if you do not forward.
The most irresistible 9 years of bad luck? This word... I do not think it means what you think it means...
CANCER - The Cutie
MOST AMAZING KISSER.
And most high quality spammer! Most honourably gullible!
Very high appeal. Love is one of a kind. Very romantic. Most caring person you will ever meet! Entirely creative. Extremely random and proud of it. Freak. Spontaneous. Great telling stories. Not a Fighter, But will Knock your lights out if it comes down to it. Someone you should hold on to.
So when you fight them, get into a clinch right away?
12 years of bad luck if you do not forward.
Poor bastards. I'm feeling a little bad about giving all these folks bad luck!
LEO - The Lion
Great talker. Attractive and passionate. Laid back. Knows how to have fun. Is really good at almost anything. Great kisser. Unpredictable. Outgoing. Down to earth. Addictive. Attractive. Loud. Loves being in long relationships. Talkative. Not one to mess with. Rare to find.
About 1 in 12, in fact.
Good when found.
Better when lost again.
7 years of bad luck if you do not forward.
VIRGO - The One that Waits
Dominant in relationships.
AKA "Shrew"; "Harridan"; "Virago".
Someone loves them right now.
Until they find out what the Virgo is like.
Always wants the last word. Caring. Smart. Loud. Loyal. Easy to talk to.
Wait - go over that list again... Always wants the last word, loud, easy to talk to?
Everything you ever wanted. Easy to please. The one and only.
Except for all the other Virgos.
7 years of bad luck if you do not forward.
LIBRA - The Lame One
LAME!
Nice to everyone they meet. Their Love is one of a kind. Silly, fun and sweet. Have own unique appeal. Most caring person you will ever meet!
Um... You've met the Significant Other, right?
However, not the kind of person you want to mess with... you might end up crying...
Well, they got that part right, anyhow!
9 years of bad luck if you do not forward.
SCORPIO - The Addict
Heh - couldn't have guessed.
EXTREMELY adorable. Intelligent. Loves to joke. Very Good sense of humor. Energetic. Predict future.
Do NOW! Predict! Says I!
GREAT kisser. Always get what they want. Attractive. Easy going. Loves being in long relationships. Talkative. Romantic. Caring. 4 years of bad luck if you do not forward.
Pfft! I see they got off light!
SAGITTARIUS - The Promiscuous One
Spontaneous. High appeal. Rare to find.
Only a 8.33% chance! Get yours now!
Great when found. Loves being in long relationships.
Unlike all those other signs.
So much love to give. Not one to mess with. Very pretty. Very romantic. Nice to everyone they meet. Their Love is one of a kind.
Lost of repeated phrases in these descriptions. Does that mean "not terribly original"?
Silly, fun and sweet. Have own unique appeal. Most caring person you will ever meet! Amazing in the you know where..!!!
The back seat of a 1973 Plymouth Reliant?
Not the kind of person you want to mess with- you might end up crying. 4 years of bad luck if you do not forward.
CAPRICORN - The Passionate Lover
Love to bust.
Um... What? Bust a move? Bust a cap? Bust a trust with heavy litigation?
Nice. Sassy. Intelligent. Sexy. Predict future.
Can not predict future. I can has cheezburger?
Irresistible. Loves being in long relationships. Great talker.
Always gets what he or she wants. Cool. Loves to own Gemini's in sports.
Bad abuser of apostrophes! Bad!
Extremely fun. Loves to joke. Smart.
As compared to "intelligent"?
24 years of bad luck if you do not forward.
So smart and intelligent that they are SOOOO going to forward this spam or ELSE they'll get, like, cursed and stuff! No, really!!1!11!!one!!
AQUARIUS - Does It In The Water
The hell'd that come from? Suddenly we get a single entendre? Or is that the only one the writer could think of?
Trustworthy. Attractive. Great kisser. One of a kind.
Except, of course...
Loves being in long-term relationships. Extremely energetic. Unpredictable. Will exceed your expectations.
Lower your expectations enough, and anyone will!
Not a Fighter, But will Knock your lights out.
How, exactly? Run over me with their car?
2 years of bad luck if you do not forward
TWO?!? What the -? Is that all they can handle, or what? Pussies!
PISCES - The Partner for Life
Caring and kind. Smart. Center of attention. High appeal. Has the last word.
...Pissing off their Virgo partner no end.
Good to find, hard to keep. Fun to be around. Extremely weird but in a good way.
Assuming you like liquid latex, Alsatian fur wall hangings and six-fingered Hittites. What are you waiting for?
Good Sense of Humor!!!
OH MY GOD!!! NOOOOO!!!
Thoughtful. Always lets what he or she wants. Loves to joke. Very popular. Silly, fun and sweet. 5 years of bad luck if you do not forward.
OK here's the thing you cant send this
And you can't punctuate.
to the person who sent this to you so good luck! the other hard part is that last one with this is the loser.
I think I may have another definition...
ready . set............ GO!
1-3 people= 1 minute of luck
4-7 people= 1 hour of luck
8-12 people = 1 day of luck
13-17 people = 1 week of luck
18-22 people = 1 month of luck
23-27 people = 3 months of luck
28- 32 people = 7 months of luck
33-37 people = 1 year of luck
38 and more = a very lucky life!
So XXX - let me know how your one day of luck goes, and I'll tell you about my several years of bad luck. Deal?
Jackie Mullen
Faculty of Arts
XXX-XXXX
Jackie, you fail at English: please don’t tell me you’re a teacher! May I introduce you to two very helpful men...?
Labels: Other
2 Comments:
Loved it! You have to wonder why someone would go to all the trouble to produce chain mail of such little value and creditableness and then bother to threaten recipients if the same isn't re-mailed. If it's some attempt to clutter up servers, it's a miserable failure. I find your analysis and humor spot on.
Thanks, and if flaming doesn't work, perhaps executing your own chain letter with threats about replying to this chain letter would be a nice conundrum.
Actually, I was thinking about adding a couple of my own signs, like "Bob, the Cowboy".
Thanks for the comment.
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