November 09, 2017

Home

The isolation was expected; the lonliness was not.

Even so, the work that now had to be done by a single person filled much of Daniil's time.  The solar collector had fallen out of true because of something getting into the gears - some of the perpetual dust in this place, no doubt - and the motor driving the contraption was reluctant to move correctly.

Everything they had moved slowly and gently: after all, if one broke it's not like they could simply order another.

The mission would take years to finish, and everything that could be planned for had been, as much as possible.  When Luis had died, there was a plan.  He was left, frozen in nearly the coldest temperatire that could be, and there he would remain until the ship returned home.

The vast shadow of the hundred-metre wide panel brought him back to the task at hand.  He messaged that Commander Osvaldo Luis Renato Sousa had suffered... a stroke?  Heart attack?  Daniil was unqualified to say, and less able to do anything to save him.  Medical gear available once they had built the base wasn't accessible in the rocket itself.  He had contemplated burying him on this distant moon, something the two of them had joked about during training; but that was obviously never going to happen.  Couldn't have Earthling bacteria disturbing whatever ecosystem might be discovered here.

At the stem of the rotation joint, he saw that indeed a small clip had broken, and there was a gap allowing dust to collect inside.  He removed it completely, squeezed a can of pressurized air at the dust until it was clear, then replaced the panel, taping it down before stepping back and trying the remote control.  The collector moved slowly into place, and he imagined the groaning of metal that the structure would have been made of in a thicker atmosphere and higher gravity.  It was noiseless here, of course; but if he concentrated, Daniil thought he could feel the vibration through his feet.

It was to be the two of them, sent out on a mission that could have been performed by robots, certainly; but it was very hard for robots to give interviews that would inspire the world.  This, in the end, is what decided the cause for sending humans into space at all, despite the far easier packing and launch of mechanical explorers.  It was also cheaper when there was no need to send an entire biosphere, or to worry about a return trip.

But without people, without pilots - without astronauts - interest faded in the general population.  A marvelous and frightening Catch-22 happened: it was harder to get funding for the cheaper automated flights than for the staggeringly expensive manned ones.

So here he was, in his oxygen-rich, pressurized, heated home-away-from-home for the next few years, unincluding the return.  In a space carefully designed for two that now couldn't have them both in it.  Luis' body was kept outside the station, perpetually in shadow but protected from the world's dust inside his suit.  Daniil didn't know what else to do for him.

They had brought along entertainment, of course: each had hundreds of books in lap-sized readers to go along with computer games and personal journals; but they also received messages from home.  It was nice to hear the voice of your family with a fresh message, outside from the pre-recorded videos they had brought.  And very soon the little moon would move out of the gas giant's shadow, and they would be receiving new messages.

Eventually, the Earth will be on one side of the Sun, and they the other.  The times when their moon would be blocked by the planet below were at least relatively short; much shorter than the long silence to come.  Everyone knew and planned for this, of course - anything as predictable as the movement of planets was easy - and they were going to take full advantage of it.

A small bell sounded, and he realized that the messages had downloaded while he was lost in thought.  He eagerly opened his mail, quickly looking over the titles of the things sent, trying to guess what story they told before looking further.  Half of them came with a warning to NOT BE OPENED UNTIL various dates days apart from each other.  He half-smiled: he'd try, but no promises.

There was also a message from Luis' mother.  He, Daniil, was to go ahead and open all the messages to her son, and use them to believe he was still there, in the base.  Daniil hadn't looked at his friend's mail, wanting to leave it unopened for their return.  He opened it now.

A television studio kitchen appeared, with a live audience clapping, and Daniil laughed out loud: Luis had talked about learning how to cook when he got back from this mission, so his mother must have sent this along to encourage him.

The announcer was speaking quickly, and Daniil couldn't follow, but when the camera panned over the ingredients on the counter, he saw that they were all pre-packaged meals that had come with them on the flight.  She must have talked a celebrity chef into doing special episodes just for Luis, recording them all before they had even left Earth!  The voice-over got faster and increased in pitch, and Daniil found himself laughing and clapping along with the audience as the camera zoomed in on the chef bursting forth from the curtains, through a big purple COZINHANDO COM AMOR!

It was Luis' mother.  She was going to teach her son to cook, even if it was from a billion kilometers away.

Daniil stopped the video and sat until he could see clearly again.  Then he looked at the ingredients, wrote down what they were, and gathered them in the small galley, bringing his tablet with him.

He hit play and concentrated.

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posted by Unknown at 6:08 pm 4 comments

September 16, 2017

Locked Tight

July 13, 2017
RE: Incident on Oak Street Bridge, July 13, 2017, 3:25 PM

Interview conducted at Granville Downtown South Community Policing Centre

Questioning of two suspects, one male one female, at 4:45 PM

Male Suspect transcript follows:

Suspect: Have you ever been in love officer?  Really in love?

[Officer speaks]

Suspect: No sure we've all had that.  I don't mean that I mean really in love.  Like really really.  No no really.  Because love real love like that inspires great moments from people.  Great big dramatic symbolic moments of of of inspiration.

[Officer speaks]

Suspect: I'm getting to the knife officer thank you.  I hadn't forgotten.  Everything leads to everything else I think you'll find if given enough time to get there.

[Officer speaks]

Suspect: Oh fine then.  It's all the locket's fault.

[Officer speaks]

Suspect: The heart-shaped locket with a picture of each of us inside on a gold chain.  Surely even you realize the symbolism of that?

[Officer speaks]

Suspect: Could have surprised me.  Just making sure as the locket shares the burden of guilt with love.  Pure mad love sweet and effervescent -

[Officer speaks]

Suspect: I'm not sure how talkative applies to love but it is a fine word.  As I was saying.  We had had some slight disagreement over my last symbolic gesture I made to my lady love and so I -

[Officer speaks]

Suspect: That's the one.  Consequently I promised to make them smaller and as she put it more discrete though I prefer the term intimate.  I had asked her to meet me on the Capilano Suspension Bridge but neither of us could get there with our vehicles getting impounded because of the uh ah the -

[Officer speaks]

Suspect: Yes that though I prefer the term making love if you please.  They may be inanimate objects but there's no reason to be crude about it.  The bridge on Oak Street was a reasonable compromise in that we could walk there and it was a bridge.  I brought along a special gift for her and indeed for us that I would show her when we reached the exact middle of the span nine hundred twenty metres if you feel the need to know and there we would be joined in a beautiful unbreakable union.

[Officer speaks]

Suspect: Of course not the knife!  What do you think I am crazy?  Well?  Well?  Well?

[Officer speaks]

Suspect: Let me ask you something then officer.  Have you ever travelled to the City of Light?  Ah Paris!  There was a glorious tradition there on the Pont des Arts bridge of couples together putting a padlock on the bridge and tossing the keys into the water below.  It is a beautiful gesture only slightly marred by the city cutting the fencing away because forty five tonnes of locks were damaging the bridge structure.

[Officer speaks]

Suspect: Yes well this was somewhat less wasn't it?  Three ounces or something.  And I wanted to put one lock on rather than thousands.  If others wanted to follow my lead then they would merely be pale imitations of the original.

[Officer speaks]

Suspect: Original here, I mean.  The first in a new place is still an original.  Hey no offence but what exactly are the educational requirements to be a police officer?  In any case when the GPS alert on my phone told me we were in the exact middle I stopped her and held forth the lock engraved with our names and handed her one of the keys.  It was beautiful although a bit warm after walking that far in the middle of the day.  The wind was nice.
[Pause]

[Officer speaks]

Suspect: I am reliving that perfect and wonderful moment in my mind.  It went a bit sideways after that.
[Officer speaks]

Suspect: Yes well yes this is sort of the bit where the knife gets involved but that's just a little later if you will.  Once we caught our breath we talked about it and decided to snap the lock shut while we both held it and  throw the keys into the water together at the same time.  Even more romantically we would kiss as it closed joining our lips together even as the shackle firmly entered its snug home forever.

[Officer speaks]

Suspect: In your opinion.  We on the other hand found it to be a beautiful moment.  Very symbolic.  It was shortly after that when we realized that the locket -

[Officer speaks]

Suspect: The same.  When we leaned out to toss the keys off the bridge said locket swung forward, looping into the shackle as we closed it.

[Officer speaks]

Suspect: Quite a long chain since she wears it out of sight of everyone unless we are together, symbolizing that our love needs not be -

[Officer speaks]

Suspect: That's not very nice.  As it happens the wind had blown her hair rather dramatically during our walk and it was rather nastily entangled in the locket chain which wasn't helped by her pulling at it when neither of us could reach the clasp.

[Officer speaks]

Suspect: Not right away but when the officer who arrested us showed up we had been arguing about what to do about it for three hours.  I understand how having a knife in my hand while yelling at an apparently captive woman in the middle of a bridge might look alarming to passers by but it was entirely innocent.

[Oficer speaks]

Suspect: Except she didn't want me to cut off any of her hair which I think was a bit unreasonable of her.

[Officer speaks]

Suspect: In retrospect I'd have to say that larger romantic gestures are on the whole safer than smaller ones.  In my experience.

End transcript.

Female Suspect was questioned after.
Female Suspect transcript follows:

Suspect: He's such a dork.

End transcript.

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posted by Unknown at 10:06 am 1 comments

April 15, 2016

It's been a while since I read comic books outside of a graphic novel format, but I am loving Steve Attewell's People's History of the Marvel Universe!
Marvel's use of mutants-as-metaphor is assumed to have always been, but the ground he covers here (and in previous parts) shows how an idea can form over time in a serial, unlike in a novel or film. The evolution *ahem* of characters and how they might fit is a great look back when we know them as they are now. Looking at Magneto's original behaviour and comparing it to the arch-villain and master manipulator he is now is straight-up night and day.
A solid reminder that sometimes the best stories can take a while to find their feet. The films we're getting now? Fifty years in the making. And it's a pretty cool trip!

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posted by Unknown at 11:33 am 0 comments

April 04, 2016

Paper or Not, Here it Comes!

So.
Trying something a little different: some of you have read my writing (and actually liked it for reasons perhaps best left unasked) so I thought I'd put a bunch of words together and see what came out at the end. For money, yet.
For the next 90 days, I'm going to be selling pre-orders of a 'hard SF' story I've been kicking around for a few years. I'll be putting up sample chapter drafts as I finish them - they might not be the final piece, but it could be interesting to see how much changes between stages. I know I'm curious to find out!
If this goes well, there's another dozen semi-manuscripts running around my ankles here, and it would be nice to find them homes, too.
If you'd like to try a sample, the first chapter of (nine so far) is here:

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posted by Unknown at 7:55 pm 1 comments

February 21, 2016

Robocop v. Robocop, and Deadpool's Boldest Statement

Deadpool, as you just might have heard somewhere along the way, is an R-rated super hero film.  This is supposed to be the legendary Kiss of Death for those stories, as the assumption was that an audience of kids was a necessary ingredient for success.

That suspicion has to some degree proven itself to be true: when such movies take on 'adult' themes, and use adult material, the results are mixed at best.  Watchmen was big and expensive, but also messy and uneven.  Darkman was very good (despite the trailer), but made little impact at the box office.

So we end up with dark or adult themes while retaining a bloodlessness that lets them keep that magical ($!) PG rating: Batman and Wolverine are two that stand out as characters that should have R ratings.  Those two have characters with troubled backgrounds; move in thematically dark worlds (literally in Batman's case, I suppose); and use violence to a ridiculous degree to achieve their goals.

But probably the best example of the inherent weirdness of the PG vs. R rating is Robocop.

The original, with fountains of blood and deaths happening every few pages, is rated R.  Paul Verhoeven had to recut and resubmit the film 12 times before he got to an R rating, down from the X that the MPAA wanted to give it.  The remake from 2014, with deaths happening every few pages but no blood at all, is rated PG-13.  I'm not here to comment on whether one was better than the other (the first one was), but to note that the remake box office more than doubled the budget - not an easy thing for a $100 million movie.  Not as statistically impressive as the quadrupling the original did, the first had a budget of only $13 million(ish).

But which was more successful?

A nebulous term, I realize: but I don't hear people talk about the remake as being influential or inspiring in any way.  It broke no new ground, sparked few imaginations.  I think it was a good movie, but it won't change anything.  I feel like in another ten years, the only time I'll hear it mentioned will be after the question "Didn't they do a remake?"

So why the heck was it made?  They got the nostalgia kick, and it was a success financially, but there was no guarantee that would have happened (see also: Dredd).  Still, to better their chances the powers that be decided to get rid of the blood and target the PG rating, making the violence sanitized for whole families to enjoy.  To compare: the original Robocop had 32 deaths; the remake has over 50.  Killings aren't a moral problem for the MPAA, so long as there is no immediate, visual consequence to them.

Back to Deadpool.

Deadpool without the blood would be ridiculous, but possible.  Most of it was animated in the 'during' shots any way, and could have simply not been added in post-production.  Don't show him sawing frantically (and comically) through an arm and avoid showing the bloody stump on camera, and Hey, Presto! you have yourself a PG-13 film.  Well, except for one thing:

Swearing.  And sex.  Swearing and sex.  Okay, two things, fine!

The swearing would be easy enough to eliminate as well - he's speaking with a full face mask 90% of the time any way, so redubbing would be a piece of cake.  It could even be incorporated into the 4th-wall breaking humour in a "Monkey fighting, Monday to Friday" way.  They certainly do enough lampshading to make that part of the script.

The sex, on the other hand...

The sex scenes are varied, lively, and fun, and they work as an excellent shorthand for audiences to see how their relationship progresses over time.  Announcing the holidays as they go was inspired time leaping.  They missed Black History Month, which would have been interesting; but I suppose that's not technically a holiday.  Then again, I'm certain there's no way they kept Lent - that 40 days of going without!  Yerk!

But there's a detail or two that I haven't heard mentioned much that I think should be.  First, he shows no mercy to her as a newbie to the game of skeeball.  Yes, he's massively attracted to Vanessa; but his priority is to win a Voltron the Defender ring, not to get laid, dang it!  (She does win what I'm sure is a lovely pencil eraser.)

The detail I liked most, though?  Vanessa - the girl of his dreams and the woman he falls madly in love with - is a prostitute.  She gladly takes his money for their first meeting, and he happily gives it to her.  It's not even an issue.  If they hadn't become a couple, he would have been just as happy to hand over the cash in exchange for her company without a single moral qualm raised.

Her past isn't flung in her face; she's never shamed for it; he doesn't regard her as less of a human being because of it.  The movie never mentions it again, and in fact has her later working in a strip club and he's wondering if he's good enough for her.

Neat, huh?

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posted by Unknown at 3:47 pm 0 comments

January 28, 2016

That Thing

So I've been thinking about joy lately. Not happiness, not contentment, not satisfaction... nothing so mature or thoughtful as those. Simple, pure, joy. Seeing a dog with its head stuck out a moving vehicle. Finally getting a piece of apple pie you've been looking forward to all day. Recognizing the opening notes of a song that makes you dance like an idiot, then dancing like an idiot. Whatever makes your mouth curl up in an irresistible spastic twitch that makes you kinda-not-really-embarrassed it happened sort of thing.

You know: joy.

We, or at least I, tried to avoid it as being childish; it was ephemeral, and not worth serious consideration by serious grown-ups like us. I was wrong. I was wrong about myself and wrong about the emotion. Joy is a here-and-now piece of timelessness, without future or past. It's only ever a moment, but it's a moment without past or consequence - the ultimate flash in the pan BANG! that overrides societal rules and decorum. It's a big reason why I ride motorcycles. I'm given to understand it's why many people have kids, or is at least a happy side effect of them.

Joy is scary. It demands your full attention; it's a loss of control, and it can be overridden. We can bury joy within ourselves, pushing it down under sarcasm and ego and frikkin' image. (What would the neighbours think?) It's easy to eliminate, and it's easy to justify eliminating: when you are no longer a child, you are supposed to put away childish things, after all. Games inspire moments of joy; but often to get to them we also experience frustration, and anger, and occasionally hopelessness. But the joy makes it worth it. The crux: a player was told not to attend the NHL All-Star Game because he was an embarrassment. The people running a league of a game told a player (question: they're called 'players' because...?) to stay away from the most trivial, meaningless part of that league because they were embarrassed he was going to be there. Fans, who in theory the game is supposed to be played for, voted him into the All-Star Game. If that happens, then he belongs, whatever the humourless pearl-clutchers insist. And you know what he's going to do? Enjoy it.

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posted by Unknown at 7:25 pm 0 comments

June 15, 2014

What's the Big Deal?

I do theatre.

I've been paid to be on stage a couple times, but otherwise it's strictly amateur stuff.  I grew up in a place that had a ridiculous amount of artistic talent floating around - a smallish island with loads of active artists and retired (or semi-retired) performers from every field you could imagine: actors and techies from Hollywood to the London stage; singers of all stripes; writers of scripts or poems or novels; painters, sculptors, designers...

What I'm saying is, it was tough NOT to get infected with an artistic appreciation if you were even the slightest bit conscious.  Which made it a very interesting place to be, even if I did eventually have to leave because we couldn't afford to live there any more.  It took me a while in my new location to see who was around and get back into theatre, because one of the many lovely features working in unskilled labour jobs is that the hours are going to be A) shit and B) random.  If you can't be reliable, there's no point in auditioning.

Fortunately (?) after the usual run of jobs and getting fired from as many as I quit (monkey wages = monkey work, kids!  I don't swallow shit you don't pay me to eat!) I decided to see if the problem was the employers or the employee, so started my own locksmith shop a couple years back.  Meaning I could basically pick my own hours, meaning I could get back into doing a show a year.  In Winter, at least: Summer's when the tourists lock themselves out of their cars or lose their keys in the lake, and at this point money still comes first.

So I've been thinking about why I love to do theatre so much.  I've done a fair amount of technical stuff, but am pretty much on stage exclusively now.  Less time to help in other areas, so I've got to be a bit greedy.  But why  do I have to be 'greedy'?  Why the compulsion to go on stage at all?  I've thought about it for a few years, and this is as clear as my thoughts have gotten (actual clarity of thoughts transmitted to writing not guaranteed):

I owe it.

As pretentious as it sounds, it's also true.  I'm a nerd, have been all my life, and see no real opportunity (or, for that mater, reason) to change in the near future.  What cultural stigma was attached to being a nerd was eased by living in a small town - in a larger population, I may well have found a clique to fall in with; but no matter how odd, vulgar, rich, etc. you were, you were still known as 'you' first and foremost.  Which is pretty damn cool.

That being said, there was simply less  there - and by less I mean less of everything: fewer opportunities to bump your life against people who are radically different; fewer chances to argue with concepts you disagree with; fewer cultures to mock, or admire, or lose yourself in (or all three).  Less to compare and to contrast and to steal from.  Just... less.  Now, add that to the social awkwardness and general inability to make friends that nerds (especially early-teen ones) are prone to and, well, it's an introvert's dream, but perhaps not the healthiest option.

In theatre, I could explore not only different ideas and try to understand other people, but I could explore those parts of myself I might not otherwise have even thought of.  Everyone does this sooner or later, but discovering who you are is when you can start finding out who you can be, and frankly the sooner you can do that the better for everyone around you.

There is very little in life more pathetic (in every sense) than a mid-life crisis.  I mean, it's good that you're examining your life and all, but what the hell took you so long?  I digress.

But here's the other thing about theatre, and it's absolutely vital: there is no room for cowards.

Now, I'm not saying you don't have fear - for some people that kicks in as soon as they hear auditions are happening right up to their entry line.  But that's just fear of failure, perfectly normal stuff which means you're actually doing things with witnesses.  That's something that can (and does) happen everywhere and can be dealt with however you want to.

But what you can't be, is you can't be afraid when you're in front of an audience.  Or you will fail.  And there is exactly one defense against that: be someone else.  The more you are that other person, the more complete the armour is, and the better you will be.  You can't think: "this person would behave this way" when you're on stage, because that means you are on stage trying to pull strings and it shows.  You have to know who the character you are to portray is before you ever get near a performance.  This will force you to think about people who aren't like you, with ideas and lives that aren't yours.  Which means you will find out who you are.

Which is what theatre did, and does, for me.

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posted by Unknown at 9:00 pm 0 comments

February 14, 2014

Three Songs

The Significant Other and I have a marvelous relationship, a hearty mix of reality, mild sarcasm, and unapologetic schmaltz.  These three songs are what I picked to exemplify our relationship.  You?

Guy Clark and Emmylou Harris, "I Don't Love You Much, Do I?"
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=muhdk1bUNEg

Tim Minchin, "If I Didn't Have You"
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LAzodf69rfk

Tom Waits, "I Can't Wait to Get Off Work"
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0_md9StVE-U&feature=kp

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posted by Unknown at 4:10 pm 0 comments

February 13, 2014

Well, Really...

...Which one would you rather have?

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posted by Unknown at 11:49 am 0 comments

February 11, 2014

Well, That's Scary

So after (literally) months of back-and-forth with the game service Steam, we have finally figured out how to play Bioshock: Infinite on my 'puter.

It's been a frustrating amount of time, though certainly not something I was working solidly on: we'd exchange letters over a few days, then I'd get busy on life, then a couple weeks later realize I spent a fair chunk of money on a few games I couldn't play for some undiagnosed reason, so I'd re-open the file and we'd try again, get the same unsatisfying results, etc.

Long story short, there was an issue with forcing the program to accept that I was the administrator that got fixed by opening files and inserting a couple lines of code.  I'm not sure how I wasn't  the administrator, as nobody else uses my computer, but there it is.

But I could play!  And a delightful game it is, with possibly my favourite part being the unintentional repetition by some opponents of the Affordable Care Act (AKA "Obamacare") showing up in Jeramiah Fink's propaganda.  You know, those people who are saying that basic health care will cause poor people to quit their jobs and laze about in front of their televisions eating bon-bons, what with idle hands being the Devil's work and all.  That's because those folks are entitled idiots who have no fucking clue what poverty actually is.

(Er, spoilers all over that video, naturally; so don't watch if you haven't played yet.)

But beside that, the big draw is (once again) story.  The gameplay is okay, if occasionally frustrating, but the I'm loving the plot as much as in the first two games.

Alas, it also meant I ended up playing nearly twelve hours in my opening stretch.  There was a break in there to walk the dogs and to (reluctantly) eat dinner, but other than those, yeah...  It's a bit addictive.  Again.

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posted by Unknown at 4:59 pm 0 comments

November 19, 2013

Dear Communication Service Provider...

Could you please go communicate with yourself?  Even a bit?

No, I'm serious about that.  A few months ago, my Significant Other - who works nights and had asked not to be called by you - got a couple of calls from your company asking if we would mind going over our cell phone/calling plan to see if there are any better options for us available.  She rightly directed you to call me, twice, as it's actually MY plan that has her phone attached to it.

That you didn't know this is a nice bit of foreshadowing.

So I was called by the pleasant enough representative, and we went over the plans available and found that nope, we were on pretty much the best one for our use, and thanks for it!  We had been customers for a couple of years and were perfectly happy with the support provided, so it was a mildly annoying experience only because of the calls to the wrong person.  Otherwise, no problem.

Then about a week later, I got called again by another perfectly reasonable representative who apologized for calling when I mentioned having already gone through the procedure she described.  And that was that.

Until I was called a few days later.  I'm afraid I was a bit less patient this time, and asked if there was a note they could attach to our account mentioning that we had already been called twice (actually four times, but why be bitchy about it?).  Another apology, and the end of that conversation.

At this point my cheap little flip-phone broke and I had to go get a new one.  I like flip-phones because I don't use video or send pictures or surf the web or really do anything much with my phone other than use it as a phone, what with it being a business line and all.  The smaller the phone is in my pocket, the more I like it.  Unfortunately, it's not a style many people bother with, so the options were severely limited and I ended up with a device that was a visual and practical disaster.  Even worse, I live 30 kilometers from the store I got it from - your store - and run my own business, so I couldn't return it until three weeks later.

After three more phone calls asking if I'd like to go over my account information to see if I could get a better deal.

And have I mentioned the ongoing spam?  For the past year I had been trying to get your company to stop sending me texts advertising your "Who Called Now?" feature whenever I missed a call.  Apparently, that would prove to be as difficult as attaching a note to my account explaining that I had already been called that month, and please don't contact for another year: impossible.

When I could finally go to town to return the hideous little flip-phone, and was told that it was a week too late to do so.  That's the day I wandered into another service provider and got two different phones and a different network.  It cost me around $150 to break my contract with you, but it was worth it.

I'd like it if you thought about that for at least a brief moment: I happily paid you $150 to stop calling me and stop sending spam.  If you could think of it in some way other than "Woo hoo!  New marketing strategy!" that would be nice, but at this point I'm not optimistic.

Because three days after the move, I got another phone call from a pleasant young man thanking me for upgrading my phone (which I really, really hadn't) and asking if we could look over our calling plan and see if there was a better one for us...

And you call yourself a communications company?  You can call me unconvinced.

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posted by Thursday at 1:08 pm 0 comments

December 28, 2012

Honour Maintained

In honour of Jon Swift's yearly assemblage, the Vagabond Scholar (Batocchio be his name) has assembled a collection of the best of the year from us smaller blogs.

http://vagabondscholar.blogspot.com/2012/12/jon-swift-memorial-roundup-2012.html

In pretty good company, I'd say!

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posted by Thursday at 8:21 pm 1 comments

October 31, 2012

REAL Horror!

Scaring kids existentially tonight: I'm answering the door in track pants and white undershirt that lets my belly poke out the bottom, yelling "LOOK AT YOUR FUTURE!!!"

Seems to work best on the teenage girls who are too old to go trick-or-treating, but are dressing up for it any way.

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posted by Thursday at 6:25 pm 0 comments

October 21, 2012

New Blogroll Item

The pictures are good; the writing is perfect.  It's a fine little time-waster that WILL make your day better, I guarantee.

DogBlog

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posted by Thursday at 9:19 pm 0 comments

October 13, 2012

I Want This

And you may not know it yet, but you do too.

Trust me.

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posted by Thursday at 12:52 pm 0 comments

October 06, 2012

It's the Unexpected

After eventually coming to the realization that employer seems to want me around for more than a year at a time (can't imagine why), I decided to open a locksmith shop here in Small Town, Canada.  It's been interesting and surprisingly successful: in the first two weeks, I didn't cut a single standard house or car key, but did open a jukebox and a pool table, replaced the keys to a clock, rekeyed a trailer and cracked a safe that had been sitting in someone's attic for years.

Despite being in town and operating for a few years, the storefront has definitely brought people in - even after a couple of months, I hear a lot of "I didn't know you were here" comments.  This morning I also got a "Hey, man; I'm looking for Bryan Adams' Waking Up the Neighbours CD, okay?" comment, but hopefully that's just an aberration.

Something's going to have to be done about the front door, though: maybe ten percent of the people who walk up to it can't figure out that they need to grab and turn the door knob in order to get through.

On the other hand, I suppose that is proof positive they could use professional help.

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posted by Thursday at 10:00 pm 0 comments

December 12, 2010

You Won't Understand

...But thats okay. We just wrapped up production of a Mother Goose pantomime, so I haven't been here terribly often. It's been a long few months, as ever with any production, and playing the villain has left my voicebox in shreds. Today was a day of rest (and rehearsing another play - bit part with no singing, thankfully!), so I spent it writing up tomorrow morning's radio show and throwing a parody of the panto together in an exercise to make an ouroboros proud...

If you don't get it, that's okay: it's not for you to get.

Mother's Goosed - A Parody

(Whoops! Looks like there is some concern about mistaking actors for characters, so down it comes. Sorry!)

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posted by Thursday at 9:32 pm 0 comments

December 03, 2010

I Said QUIET!

Admit it:

When you heard that a man was shot and killed with a crossbow in a public library, you were thinking the same thing I was, weren't you?

He would have used a gun, but didn't have a silencer. Hey, it was in a library!

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posted by Thursday at 2:05 pm 0 comments

November 17, 2010

On Impoliteness

There are many ways to kill yourself. I'm given to understand that most are horribly painful/nauseating (for reference, see Dorothy Parker's Resume), but at least they're private. Really, if you're going to put yourself out of whatever misery you think you're in, have the decency to wander off into the woods well away from anyone else, would you?

Oh, and could you be good enough to call the police and tell them what you're going to do immediately before you do it? I take my dog walking in the woods around here a lot, and frankly my day would be pretty much shot if I found a human body while exploring. That's how most "dumped" bodies are found, so why not be a good sort and get the professionals to find your miserable corpse first, hey?

I bring this up because there have been two incidents this week of people running at cars on the highway in apparent efforts to kill themselves, and this latest one had a small child watch as he tried killing himself. Sorry, but that's a NO! Bad drunk/drugged/depressed inconsiderate dickweed! There is no reason to put someone through watching someone die violently on the grill of their car.

If you want to kill yourself, fine: that's your choice, and it's a shame you feel that way because it's a long-term solution to what's usually a short-term problem as well as being astoundingly selfish and greedy, but it's ultimately up to you. But for crying out loud, try not to have seven year old girls involved, okay?

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posted by Thursday at 9:32 pm 0 comments

October 12, 2010

An Unexpected Relief

Funny story.

I've been working with a new show: a musical, of all things. Not really my thing, but it'll be fun, and I've never been in a pantomime before, so why not? I believe I've mentioned that I'm musically declined before? Looks like I'm "singing" ABBA in this one.

In any case, I found myself working with a slew of new people of pretty much every age and shape, two of which are quite attractive. So naturally I've been chatting regularly with one or the other when time has allowed. Over the days, I noticed they arrived in different vehicles, but the kids they brought with them seemed interchangeable. Then I caught that they lived in the same house, and was brought up cold.

Were they mother and daughter? Was the eldest girl still (or back to) living at home, and driving her own car so they can pick up other kids on the way to rehearsals?

Oops!

Granted, I'm lousy at judging ages, but looking again, I supposed it was possible for one to be in her mid-thirties and the other to be... No, no no no no no! Nooooooo... There was no way I was attracted to a 17- or 18- year old! That's literally less than half my age! I've got a certain self-image, as we all do, and mine doesn't include the Dirty Old Man:



This isn't what I am turning into, is it? The caricature can stay just that, thanks: a nicely self-contained joke; a piece of cultural shorthand for sad old perverts forever chasing brainless young hotties around a desk or using their canes to lift up the skirts of girls in the park.

Sure, I'm a sad old pervert: that I can accept. Hell, I accepted that when I hit 30. But why on Earth would I suddenly be macking on kids decades younger than me? Was I hoping to recapture my youth by fucking some? AAAHHH!!!

Luckily, my concern only lasted for a day when I read their bios: they were married, and to each other, at that. So, sure, my chances with either are pretty much shot, but my self-image has been restored. I am not suddenly having my head turned by a wildly inappropriate teenager after all! And as an added bonus, I got to say a line I never thought I would:

"Oh, thank God you're married!"

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posted by Thursday at 10:47 pm 0 comments