September 16, 2017

Locked Tight

July 13, 2017
RE: Incident on Oak Street Bridge, July 13, 2017, 3:25 PM

Interview conducted at Granville Downtown South Community Policing Centre

Questioning of two suspects, one male one female, at 4:45 PM

Male Suspect transcript follows:

Suspect: Have you ever been in love officer?  Really in love?

[Officer speaks]

Suspect: No sure we've all had that.  I don't mean that I mean really in love.  Like really really.  No no really.  Because love real love like that inspires great moments from people.  Great big dramatic symbolic moments of of of inspiration.

[Officer speaks]

Suspect: I'm getting to the knife officer thank you.  I hadn't forgotten.  Everything leads to everything else I think you'll find if given enough time to get there.

[Officer speaks]

Suspect: Oh fine then.  It's all the locket's fault.

[Officer speaks]

Suspect: The heart-shaped locket with a picture of each of us inside on a gold chain.  Surely even you realize the symbolism of that?

[Officer speaks]

Suspect: Could have surprised me.  Just making sure as the locket shares the burden of guilt with love.  Pure mad love sweet and effervescent -

[Officer speaks]

Suspect: I'm not sure how talkative applies to love but it is a fine word.  As I was saying.  We had had some slight disagreement over my last symbolic gesture I made to my lady love and so I -

[Officer speaks]

Suspect: That's the one.  Consequently I promised to make them smaller and as she put it more discrete though I prefer the term intimate.  I had asked her to meet me on the Capilano Suspension Bridge but neither of us could get there with our vehicles getting impounded because of the uh ah the -

[Officer speaks]

Suspect: Yes that though I prefer the term making love if you please.  They may be inanimate objects but there's no reason to be crude about it.  The bridge on Oak Street was a reasonable compromise in that we could walk there and it was a bridge.  I brought along a special gift for her and indeed for us that I would show her when we reached the exact middle of the span nine hundred twenty metres if you feel the need to know and there we would be joined in a beautiful unbreakable union.

[Officer speaks]

Suspect: Of course not the knife!  What do you think I am crazy?  Well?  Well?  Well?

[Officer speaks]

Suspect: Let me ask you something then officer.  Have you ever travelled to the City of Light?  Ah Paris!  There was a glorious tradition there on the Pont des Arts bridge of couples together putting a padlock on the bridge and tossing the keys into the water below.  It is a beautiful gesture only slightly marred by the city cutting the fencing away because forty five tonnes of locks were damaging the bridge structure.

[Officer speaks]

Suspect: Yes well this was somewhat less wasn't it?  Three ounces or something.  And I wanted to put one lock on rather than thousands.  If others wanted to follow my lead then they would merely be pale imitations of the original.

[Officer speaks]

Suspect: Original here, I mean.  The first in a new place is still an original.  Hey no offence but what exactly are the educational requirements to be a police officer?  In any case when the GPS alert on my phone told me we were in the exact middle I stopped her and held forth the lock engraved with our names and handed her one of the keys.  It was beautiful although a bit warm after walking that far in the middle of the day.  The wind was nice.
[Pause]

[Officer speaks]

Suspect: I am reliving that perfect and wonderful moment in my mind.  It went a bit sideways after that.
[Officer speaks]

Suspect: Yes well yes this is sort of the bit where the knife gets involved but that's just a little later if you will.  Once we caught our breath we talked about it and decided to snap the lock shut while we both held it and  throw the keys into the water together at the same time.  Even more romantically we would kiss as it closed joining our lips together even as the shackle firmly entered its snug home forever.

[Officer speaks]

Suspect: In your opinion.  We on the other hand found it to be a beautiful moment.  Very symbolic.  It was shortly after that when we realized that the locket -

[Officer speaks]

Suspect: The same.  When we leaned out to toss the keys off the bridge said locket swung forward, looping into the shackle as we closed it.

[Officer speaks]

Suspect: Quite a long chain since she wears it out of sight of everyone unless we are together, symbolizing that our love needs not be -

[Officer speaks]

Suspect: That's not very nice.  As it happens the wind had blown her hair rather dramatically during our walk and it was rather nastily entangled in the locket chain which wasn't helped by her pulling at it when neither of us could reach the clasp.

[Officer speaks]

Suspect: Not right away but when the officer who arrested us showed up we had been arguing about what to do about it for three hours.  I understand how having a knife in my hand while yelling at an apparently captive woman in the middle of a bridge might look alarming to passers by but it was entirely innocent.

[Oficer speaks]

Suspect: Except she didn't want me to cut off any of her hair which I think was a bit unreasonable of her.

[Officer speaks]

Suspect: In retrospect I'd have to say that larger romantic gestures are on the whole safer than smaller ones.  In my experience.

End transcript.

Female Suspect was questioned after.
Female Suspect transcript follows:

Suspect: He's such a dork.

End transcript.
posted by Erin Butler at 10:06 am 0 comments