Other: Spamalot!

Well, I just received a piece of junk mail spammed out by a virus infecting my parent's computer. It's not something they'd forward, because it's quite a repulsive little thing and they're very good about not forwarding things to me.

On the down side, I tend to be rather sensetive about the issues it raised, and started to write a response before actually reading it through. Fortunately, I came to after I started replying to the spam, but before I sent it. So it killed a little time AND got a bit of vitrol out. Quite
handy, actually:

Are you fucking KIDDING me? You really think that I, the HUSBAND OF AN IMMIGRANT, am really the right person to send this kind of brainless, jingoistic crap to?

Really?

Well, let's go over this together then, shall we?

Subject: This is an article printed in the Toronto Star, CANADA

First off, despite the subject line, I seriously doubt that this drivel would appear in a national paper, even one as frankly "entertainment oriented" as the Toronto Star. Sorry, between the hyperactive punctuation, amateurish paragraph breaks, changing font, poor capitalization choices, even varying colours, fer Christ’s sake! This wouldn't even appear on their "letters" page. I've taken the liberty of making the rant a little more readable. What this actually is is a screed that’s been orbiting around the US for quite a while now, just modified for North-of-the-border use.

Will we still be the Country of choice and still be Canada if we continue to make the changes forced on us by the people from other countries that came to live in Canada because it is the Country of Choice??????

You do realize that without immigration, we'd have a negative population growth, right? Just making sure, because whoever wrote this dreck doesn't strike me as the kind of person who would look things up. (We seem to be fine for question marks, though, don't we?)

Think about it!

Love to.

All we have to say is, when will they do something about MY RIGHTS?

"We" have to say that, do "we"? My RIGHTS seem in fine working order, but if yours are in a state of disrepair, let's see what we can do about them, shall we?

I celebrate Christmas...........but because it isn't celebrated by everyone..............we can no longer say Merry Christmas. Now it has to be Season's Greetings.

Again, it's something "we" have an issue with. I don't say "Merry Christmas", but then I'm not Christian. If someone says Merry Christmas to me, I usually say “Thanks, you too.” Just like if someone tells me “Happy Solstice” or “Season’s Greetings”. See how that works? Everyone, on the other hand, does go through the season.

It's not Christmas vacation, it's Winter Break. Isn't it amazing how this winter break ALWAYS occurs over the Christmas holiday?

A flat-out genius wrote this piece, I’m telling you: yes, Winter is indeed the season Christmas happens in: that’s because (I’ll type slowly so you can follow along) it’s when the solstice occurs. Think hard now: when are shepherds outdoors at night tending their flocks? Lambing season, and that’s not December 25^th.

We've gone so far the other way, bent over backwards to not offend anyone, that I am now being offended. But it seems that no one has a problem with that.
This says it all!

It’s offensive to consider your neighbours’ cultures? Interesting: only one thing is allowed to be celebrated, and that’s my thing – everything else is silly or wrong. Or offensive, of course.

This is an editorial written in a
Toronto newspaper. He did quite a job; didn't he? Read on, please!

*Sigh* I suppose I’ve come this far. I’ll try not being too annoyed by the utter lack of specifics as to who wrote this, or where or when: a “he” in “Toronto newspaper” doesn’t exactly narrow it down for me…

IMMIGRANTS,

(The big red letter kind, anyways)

NOT Canadians

(Because IMMAGRANTS are NOT Canadians)

MUST ADAPT.

(With big letters.)

I am tired of this nation worrying about whether we
are offending some individual or their culture. Since the terrorist attacks on Sept. 11,
we have experienced a surge
in patriotism by the majority
of Canadians.

Ah, where to start…? There’s a bounty of riches in this one little half paragraph alone, isn’t there? The writer (Still nameless: I think I’ll call him “Binky”) is concerned with the nation’s worries. Well, that’s awfully sweet of him, isn’t it? I just love it when someone takes it upon themselves to tell me what I’m worried about. It makes me feel all warm and fuzzy just knowing he cares! Now, what exactly is this “surge of patriotism” Binky’s talking about? How did it manifest itself, exactly? Did everyone Binky knows get a maple leaf tattooed on various and sundry body parts? Spontaneously break out into “Oh, Canada” on street corners? Start carrying hockey sticks? If this surge happened to the majority of Canadians, surely the Canadian Medical Association Journal would have picked up on at least some of the symptoms?

However...... the dust from the attacks had
barely settled when the "politically correct! " crowd began complaining about
the possibility that our patriotism was offending others.

A note about the phrase “politically correct”: when you hear it used by someone complaining about it, odds are pretty good that they have no other reason for acting like an asshole. They want to act like one, but they don’t want to be called on it, so they accuse anyone who says “You’re being an asshole” of being “politically correct”.

I am not against immigration, nor do I hold a grudge against anyone who is seeking a better life by coming to Canada

…And some of my best friends are black!

Our population is almost entirely made up of descendants of immigrants.

Oh, you noticed! How very clever of you!

However, there
are a few things that those
who have recently come to
our country, and apparently some born here, need to understand.

Oh, please enlighten me, do!

This idea of Canada being a
multicultural community

One of the features that makes me proudest to be Canadian, yes…?

has served only to dilute our sovereignty and our national identity.

Is actually a flaw! Oh, goody!

As Canadians.......
we have our own culture, our
own society, our own language and our own lifestyle.

We also have a tremendous number of dots, and we’re not afraid to use them.

This culture has been developed over centuries of struggles, trials, and victories by millions of men and women who have sought freedom.

Oh, get serious! If you want to go back “centuries”, you’ll end up in Europe again! Well, the people Binky has in mind will, anyways. How long ago does someone have to have arrived here before they actually count as part of the Canadian culture, Binky? One hundred years? I guess Chinatown in Vancouver is staying put then, eh? How about one hundred fifty? That’s when those filthy Irish started coming across in droves and changing the culture of Quebec, after all. More years back, then, or are "those people" okay with you?

We speak ENGLISH/FRENCH, not Spanish, Portuguese, Arabic, Chinese, Japanese, Russian, or any other language.

Like, say, Ukrainian, or Polish, or any of the other vodka-swilling reprobates that are ruining the culture of the prairies! Wait… We speak French?

Therefore, if you wish to become part
of our society, learn the language!

Which one?

"We Stand On Guard For Thee" is our national motto.

Um, actually Binky, it’s “A Mari usque ad Mari”, which is neither English nor French, but it is old, so I guess that’s okay. It reads “From Sea to Sea” in a language we can read.

This is not some Christian, right wing, political slogan.. We adopted this motto because Christian men and women.......on Christian principles.............
founded this nation..... and this is clearly documented.

Good Grief: this isn’t even well translated from the original American, is it? The original had “One Nation Under God”, adopted by the US at the height of the Red Scare, when the Godless Communists Were Coming For Our Women! and all that. Just to be clear about the whole “founded by Christians” thing: I’d like you, Binky, to take a look at the diverse and tolerant world that was Europe during the Age of Exploration. Notice anything? Yes, I’ll wait. *hums* All done? Okay, what you may have noticed is that anyone who wasn’t Christian tended to get killed. A lot. Which means whoo daddy! You’d better be so damn Christian you’re vibrating with it, or, well, you might not be considered Christian enough, if you take my meaning. And if you're not, we’ll take your land, your women, and your heads. Oh, and which of the two variants of Christian that “founded this nation” (amongst the dots) did you have in mind? The French aren't exactly Protestant, you know. Besides, most of the folks who came here were hoping to make a buck, not a nation.

It is certainly appropriate to display it
on the walls of our schools.

Because, as we all know, there are no Christian schools in Canada. Right?

If God offends you, then I suggest you consider another part of the world as
your new home.........because
God is part of our culture.

God doesn’t offend me, per se, because I don’t think God exists. The God Botherers annoy me no end, when they insist that their worship, which I think is a private matter, be foisted upon me. People who worship God (and Gods, but you don’t want to hear that) are certainly part of our culture, and always have been. And the single best way to ensure that a holy war doesn’t break out is to keep the Government well out of the God business. Consider: the current Prime Minister is a Roman Catholic, as was the last one, and I do believe that it has been the religion of choice for our national leaders more than any other faith. Is that what you had in mind, Binky? Should that be our national religion?

We
are happy with our culture and have
no desire to change, and we really
don't care how you did things where
you came from.

This isn’t pride in culture, Binky: this is cowering in fear. There’s something different in the world, something you’re not used to, and you’re afraid of it. What you don’t know, and I’m almost sorry I have to be the one to tell you, is that there is no static culture in the world, and there never has been. A society acts and reacts to the forces that act upon it, forces that are from outside or inside itself. That’s because a society consists of people, Binky. And people change.

This is
OUR COUNTRY,
our land, and our lifestyle.

Do I have to register my lifestyle with you personally, Binky? Or just with someone or some organisation or some new government office that you approve of?

But once you are done complaining....... whining...... and griping....... about our flag.......
our pledge...... our national motto........or our
way of life....I highly encourage you to

…Reply to someone who is complaining, whining, and griping…?

take advantage of one other Great Canadian Freedom.......

THE RIGHT TO LEAVE.

You, of course, can do likewise, Binky: that’s what freedom actually means.

It is Time for Canada to Speak up
If you agree -- pass this along;
if you don't agree -- delete it!

A philosophical question: can Irony exist in Ignorance, or does it have to be recognized as such by the speaker for full effect? Allow me to point this out, then: is it time for Canada (of which I believe I am part) to “Speak up”? Or, since I don’t agree, must I delete this odious thing?

AMEN

I figure if we all keep passing this to our friends
(and enemies) it will also, sooner or later
get back to the complainers, lets all try,
please

Not that I’m religious, of course, but are you supposed to add a “PS” after AMEN? Or is this just a little aside you don’t want God to hear?