January 18, 2006

News Flash: Lord Does Indeed Love Ducks!

[CP] - For those who thought the phrase "Lord love a duck" was either a quaint phrase or a Roddy McDowell/Tuesday Weld movie, this reporter has proof otherwise.

What follows is a transcript of a phone conversation established through an intermediary:


Almighty God: Hello?

This Paper: Good morning, sir, Polite Company calling. I hope we didn't wake you.

Him: No, no, I'm an early riser. Thanks for asking, though.

Us: Certainly; thanks for taking the call.

Him: My pleasure. What can I do for you?

Us: ... Really?

Him: Be professional, son.

Us: Yes, of course. Um... where was I? Right. There is a certain phrase that is in frequent use here on the material plane, and I was wondering if I could get you to comment on it...

Him: Which one's that?

Us: It goes: "Lord love a duck." (pause) Could we get a response to that?

Him: That's it?

Us: That's it.

Him: (chuckles) Betty's not going to be to happy with you, you know...

Us: Well, sir, we've got an election going on right now, and we have reaction to the phrase from the five major parties running.

Him: Really?

Us: Yes, sir. The New Democratic Party promised to support ducks whether you liked them or not, and vowed to make sure you continued to love ducks into the future; Gilles Duceppe, leader of the Bloc Quebecois said, quote: "Who cares? I'm winning!" Then he sang the refrain to "What if God was One of Us?"

Him: The Joan Osborne song? Weird.

Us: That's the one. The Liberal Party proclaimed to always have been in favour of ducks and quickly established a "Duck Identity Day" in celebration, and if we didn't want it cancelled we'd better vote for them; Conservative leader Stepher Harper loudly delcared that he had no majority, never thought about having a majority, wouldn't believe it if he did, and that he was apparently related to one of the Trailer Park Boys and wasn't that "cool".

Him: Did he do that "quotation marks" thing with his fingers?

Us: Afraid so. Then he shoved them in his ears and walked away saying "LA LA LA I CAN'T HEAR YOU UNTIL JANUARY 23RD!" The only comment we got from the Green Party was a grainy fax reading "Doesn't everyone?"

Him: And you folks vote for these people?

Us: With alarming regularity. So can I get a reaction from you, sir?

Him: Sure, I suppose so. Well, as you know, when I created everything -

Us: I'm actually an athiest, sir.

Him: Fair enough. As many believe - is that better?

Us: Yes, thank you sir. Very reasonable of you.

Him: Well, that whole smiting thing gets a little tired, you know?

Us: Um, have you told Pat Robertson that?

Him: We haven't spoken for ages, not since I let the air out of his tires as a prank back in 1990. He just started IFE and I figured he was losing some of his humility, so... Anyway, that's all in the past. He still doing that goofy anti-aging thing?

Us: Right on his web page, sir.

Him: Oy. What a racket.

Us: Back to the subject at hand, if I may...

Him: Hm? Right! When I created everything (as some believe), that was an act of Ultimate Love, so naturally I love everything that came from that.

Us: And that includes ducks.

Him: Including ducks, yes.

Us: Well, sir, there are those who insist that the phrase is a substitute for another, cruder curse...

Him: And what's that?

Us: Well... uh...

Him: You don't think you're going to shock me, do you? Come on, I'm infinitely old: I've heard it all.

Us: (garbled)

Him: Come again?

Us: Fuckaduck.

Him: Ah, good old Saxon. Fine, straight-forward language, that. Glad I invented it.

Us: Sir...

Him: Some people believe.

Us: Thank you.

Him: Certainly. Well, there is a reasonably common school of philosophy that says that the Divine (usually me) literally exists in all things, that all matter in existence is proof of a Living Me.

Us: Yes?

Him: Which would mean that the phrase would still apply. Since I am all ducks, that would mean that I do, indeed, fuck ducks.

Us: Uh... Do you want to check the transcript before we go to press? Just that I'm not completely sure I can print this...

Him: Oh, I insist, I insist.

Us: Thank you, sir.

Him: You know what else that means?

Us: What?

Him: I did your momma, too. (

end of conversation*

And there you have it: proof that the Lord (as some believe) does indeed love ducks, in whichever form you wish to use it. Later in this investigative series, we'll take a closer look at Jesus H. Christ on a popsicle stick, sometimes called a Messiahcicle.


posted by Thursday at 9:46 pm


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