Politics: There is No Cannibalism in the Navy!
I know, I know: politics is the topic of choice right now. But forgive me, as I have just encountered a movie review with the wonderful title of, I kid you not, You can't fight Islamism with gay cowboys, by Andrew Longman.
How can I possibly resist? Clearly, I can't.
First, a few quibbles about the title. Is "Islamism" really necessary? As a word, I mean. "Islam" would do perfectly well and sound (and look) better in the bargain. That could be the point, I suppose: make the supposed enemy sound strange (see also: assassins having three names), and they're easier to dehumanize. Us vs. Them is always a safe bet for rabble rousers, but why didn't they go with "Muslimaniac" or "Mohammedemon" just to be as inflammatory as possible? And let's face it, it's tough to fight anything only using gay cowboys, except maybe stereotypes. Wait, wasn't one of the Villiage People...? Okay, so you can fight stereotypes and musical taste using gay cowboys, but really that's about it. I suspect fighting "Islamism" with straight cowboys wouldn't have done much either, so would they really have been more effective as a deterrent to alien theology? And weren't you fighting terrorism, not Muslimism (or whatever)? Just asking.
For those not willing to read the entire article, I understand: you don't have any tissues handy to dry your eyes, or perhaps are afraid that gales of laughter will burst recent stitches. For your sake, I'll take a single line that I think epitomizes each paragraph and then add commentary.
"You can't fight Islamism with gay cowboys."
Well, what more really needs to be said?
"What precisely is inspirational about the story of Nate Saint if the very person who portrays him in the movie cannot be moved to imitate Mr. Saint?"
Actors, apparently, should not be allowed to act like anyone but themselves. Anthony Hopkins, you're put on notice.
"Sodomize the Marlboro Man to great music and call this heroism?"
Given the quality of music you know you couldn't call it porn...
"Iran, the Islamist suicide bomber nation, has expressed at every turn the perfection of its xenophobia for all nations not itself."
Jealous that America's lost it's #1 position?
That was probably unnecessary. Sorry.
"Has it occurred to these craven fools in Hollywood that there are precisely no, exactly zero, cultures who have survived their own homosexualization?"
What qualifies as "homosexualization" in this case? Or, for that matter, culture? (And why isn't "homosexualization" capitalized?) I suppose if everyone was gay, then yes there would be an issue with reproduction, but good lord, man! I'm sure some of us could take up the slack, so to speak.
"In a time of war?"
Do not question! There is a war on! Eastaisa is our Enemy! Eastasia has always been our Enemy!
" I am confident that the American people will rise up and reject the xenophobia without and the deconstruction within."
Xenophobia: an intense fear or dislike of foreign people, their customs and culture, or foreign things. Like, say, homosexuality. (I combined the last few paragraphs as they're quite short.)
But my favorite sentence? This:
"There is a war on people and it is an ideological war."
For lack of a nail, a war was lost; and for lack of an editor, a dramatic image was made into War of the Worlds. The only question, I suppose, is did Tom Cruise act enough like a Scientologist for Mr. Longman's taste? And is Mr. Longman actually a long -