I Do John Doe

A letter has appeared from… well, I’m sure you know at this point. Suffice to say, it’s someone who regularly shrieks that “The Left” is full of hateful, paranoid totalitarians that are out to destroy America.

In fact, she’s written a book about it, taking as her sources third-string blogs and comments left on websites. At the same time, of course, she conveniently ignores the folks on the right that spew invective daily that appear on television as authoritative voices; have their own network radio shows; and are first-string blogs.

So the formula runs: ignore the embarrassment of mainstream, right-wing commentators while complaining about less-read bloggers (and even the commenters) on the political left. If you can’t see the problem with that math, then how on earth do you have the wit to operate a computer?

In any case, she’s decided to rattle off this astoundingly hateful, paranoid and totalitarian piece of prose. In the spirit of today’s date (and of random spam received), I’ve decided to add a bit of commentary to it:

Dear Muslim Terrorist Plotter/Planner/Funder/Enabler/Apologist,

And I’ll tell you who you are, damn it! Though I have to ask: do all the folks in favour of the Iraq war count as “enablers”?

You do not know me. But I am on the lookout for you.

Awww! That’s so sweet!

You are my enemy. And I am yours.

So, this whole complicated mess gets reduced to a simple, easy-to-understand format: game of tag. She knows her audience, I guess!

I am John Doe.

That what you tell the cop who pulls you over for DWI?

I am traveling on your plane. I am riding on your train. I am at your bus stop. I am on your street. I am in your subway car. I am on your lift.

“I’m right inside your head, man!” Hey, wait: “lift”? She is NOT British, so my guess is that her husband wrote this whole thing, and she just slapped her name on it. He’s not British either, but you know how economists get sometimes…

I am your neighbor. I am your customer. I am your classmate. I am your boss.

I am DEVO!

I am John Doe.

Which, this John Doe, the creation of a fictitious and power hungry fascist?

I will never forget the example of the passengers of United Airlines Flight 93 who refused to sit back on 9/11 and let themselves be murdered in the name of Islam without a fight.

Gosh, thanks for reminding me – would have forgotten about that completely if you hadn’t said something!

I will never forget the passengers and crew members who tackled al Qaeda shoe-bomber Richard Reid on American Airlines Flight 63 before he had a chance to blow up the plane over the Atlantic Ocean.

Who? Oh, right!

I will never forget the alertness of actor James Woods, who notified a stewardess that several Arab men sitting in his first-class cabin on an August 2001 flight were behaving strangely. The men turned out to be 9/11 hijackers on a test run.

Repeat after me: “We are all James Woods.”

I will act when homeland security officials ask me to "report suspicious activity."

…Whether you see it or not: acting is the most important part! I’m pretty sure, for instance, that my parents are doing something strange on Wednesday nights…

I will embrace my local police department's admonition: "If you see something, say something."

Oh! I know how this goes: “Sigh something, so something”, right? Childhood rhymes are soooo cool!

I am John Doe.

So I’ve heard. I’m not convinced: he’s frequently dead, for one thing.

I will protest your Jew-hating, America-bashing "scholars."

Hey! Not everyone who bashes America also hates Jews; and likewise, not everyone who hates Jews bashes America! Jeeze – get your prejudices straight!

I will petition against your hate-mongering mosque leaders.

And just those ones, right?

I will raise my voice against your subjugation of women and religious minorities.

Even if I ignored them pre-9/11.

I will challenge your attempts to indoctrinate my children in our schools.

Just like teh gays r doin!

I will combat your violent propaganda on the Internet.

But ignore literally decades of violent propaganda against you in the national mainstream.

I am John Doe.

Oh, for crying out loud: you are not! You’re either a Jewish economist or a Filipino commentator, okay? And frankly, neither one of those is “John”.

I will support law enforcement initiatives to spy on your operatives,[…]

…And everyone else…

[…]cut off your funding[…]

Better talk to Boy George, then.

[…]and disrupt your murderous conspiracies.[…]

Which are just everywhere!

I will oppose all attempts to undermine our borders and immigration laws.

“Now that I’m here, anyways.”

I will resist the imposition of sharia principles and sharia law in my taxi cab, my restaurant, my community pool, the halls of Congress, our national monuments, the radio and television airwaves, and all public spaces.

Gosh, you’ll stop people from banning alcohol, shaving their pubic hair, cutting hands off thieves and whatnot? How very, very brave of you!

I will not be censored in the name of tolerance.

Translation: I want to act like a racist asshole, and you’re not allowed to do anything about it. If you complain, you’re just being “politically correct”.

I will not be cowed by your Beltway lobbying groups in moderates' clothing. I will not cringe when you shriek about "profiling" or "Islamophobia."

And yet, here I am cringing when I read this drivel. The world is just so unfair.

I will put my family's safety above sensitivity. I will put my country above multiculturalism.

“Because my country isn’t about people of all races, creeds and colors coming together in… uh… Wait a minute...”

I will not submit to your will.

Oh, but you might… (Note: NOT family friendly link!)

I will not be intimidated.

But will you ever figure out who you are?

I am John Doe.

Apparently not.